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January 11th, 2009, 02:34 PM
Platinum Super Mega Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: In the enchanted forest
What does your DH have to say about all of this? How does he feel? I know you're upset about how things are going, but you have to remember, this is the child's bio-mom, regardless of how much you may or may not like her, KWIM? If you give off a negative vibe about bio-mom around DSS (even if you don't know that you are), you might end up pushing DSS away by accident. It happens.
Surely co-parenting in a blended family is difficult, you are dealing w/ two different environments & two different set of rules etc., what you have to remember is no matter what, this child's mother is the primary, and technically, you really don't have much legal say in what happens. I don't say that to be mean, but you might want to take a step back & let your DH step in & have him deal w/ her. That used to be my biggest mistake, I used to get all bent out of shape & upset about my DSS' bio-mom & sometimes, I still do, but in the long run, I had to take a step back & say "not my kid, not my problem"... and let my DH parent his son because ultimately, that is between him & his ex-wife, not me. Your step-children are not your children & you're not responsible for them. Sure it hurts to see your DH not have his child as much, but if he's upset & has issues w/ how things are going, he needs to have that conversation w/ her, and let that be between him & her. If he's fine w/ how things are going, then you shouldn't let it be bothering you either.
If bio-mom is using this as leverage, I dunno... it's not good. But I am not her, I don't know the story & as Dr. Phil says "I don't care how flat you make a pancake, there are always two sides". Meaning, I can't be completely objective when I have only 1 side. I can only go by w/ what you are saying.
I am trying to save you future headaches, since you're not a bio-mom to this child, I would highly recommend to step back & not be so involved & get so upset. Obviously be there for your DH if & when he needs your advice & support but if he doesn't ask for your advice or support on these issues, I wouldn't even offer anything more. I've learned this over the years, it's not worth it. You can choose to be upset daily about something you can't change or you can choose to let go on something that your DH isn't wanting to change at all & focus on other things that make you happy. Having a negative mind set on bio-mom all the time is just going to make things so much more difficult. All you can do is offer a positive environment in your home & be a good role model when the child is w/ you. If DH wants your assistance or help w/ an issue, be his support system. Just keep in mind, w/ the legal system, you wouldn't be part of the equation if he took bio-mom to court. They rarely like to hear from the new wife/husband's unless there is a special circumstance (i.e. abuse allegations).
My best advice is to let a lot of your personal frustration w/ bio-mom go & let your DH take the reins on this. It's hard to do but it will make things easier for all involved. In the end, no matter how much you dislike her, she is still this child's mother, that is never going to change. You can either try to deal w/ it, ignore it, embrace it or let DH deal w/ it & focus on issues that you have a say in.
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