sharing my joy with u
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February 17th, 2006, 02:32 PM
Join Date: Feb 2006
News flash to boyfriend...Yes, actually, just because he's with you DOES mean he should be happy!!! What sort of comment was that??!! OMG!!! That was probably one of the most selfish things he could have said (as unselfish as it sounds, to imply he's willing to sacrifice his happiness to make you happy)...If he's not happy, he's not doing anyone any favors by staying. Certainly not to you or the baby! When someone's unhappy, it's projected in the way they look at, speak to and treat the other person. Which in turn makes the other person unhappy as well, which magnifies the first person's unhappiness, and VOILA!! It's the making of the horrible downward spiral that keeps going down and down and down until it hits the floor, and everything is broken...
Sorry for the tangent! But wow sweetie! You've got a real problem on your hands. What Mr.Boyfriend is not realizing, is that YOU'RE the one who's unhappy!! You're not hurting him! HE'S hurting you! (which in turn hurts the baby). What's worse, is that he's too busy wallowing in his own self pity to even notice or care! All he sees is his own pain, and confusion. Well, if he says he needs to find his own inner peace about it, you should tell him to do it on his own time, and to only come back when he's found it. He's one foot in and one foot out the door right now, and that's not stable enough for you to have to deal with. I say don't even give him the option. Show him the door, tell him what he needs to do to be invited back in, and not to try to come back until he's willing to give that you and the baby. You've been encouraging, and you've let him know how he's acting is bothering you, and he's basically flat out telling you he's not going to do a thing about it...Foot down!!
What you can even do to bring about this conversation, you could suggest that you and him have lunch with his daughter (assuming ****** mommy lets him take her for the day) and you tell her together that she's going to be a big sister together. Get her excited about it...she might be sad and scared and even mad at first, but that's okay! She's had daddy all to herself her whole life, and it's going to be hard for her to learn to share him...But if you involve her and reassure her that being a big sister is a big responsibility, and that daddy's going to need a lot of her help, she won't feel like she'll be ignored or put aside. Ask her a lot of questions on what she thinks of everything, like what her opinion on names are, and what kind of games she wants to teach the baby how to play once he or she is big enough...This can actually be a really fun outing for you all. And if for whatever reason you can't be there, then he should be doing this. You should really tell him that keeping the baby a secret from her is more of a betrayal than anythign.
Maybe I'm assuming a lot of things...for one, I don't know if you ever really get to see his daughter. Like, do you guys ever hang out with her there? What kind of relationship do you have with his daughter, if any? And also, what kind of relationship do you have with his ex? (I know I know...that's kind of a sticky one since it is his ex after all). Maybe, if you've already met her, and there's no super harsh or bitter feelings between the two of you, you could maybe have a talk with her, and find out what she thinks of him telling their daughter about the new baby on the way. (Assuming she's not too much of a cow! If she is, then keep her out of it completely!) I think once he gets over this fear that his daughter will hate him or whatever for having another baby, then he'll be better able to get over his own fears!
And k, I found a book he may REALLY benefit from...It's called
Keys to Preparing and Caring for your Second Child, by Meg Zweibach
...I read the outline of the book and this may be one way to help him cope with having two kids, and most importantly, for him to help his daughter cope with the change. Even though they don't necessarily live together.
Hope this helps!
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