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June 16th, 2009, 01:28 PM
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Ok- warning some not so nice thoughts this time around. Please donít read if you get offended by non-Christian views

Had an u/s on the 11th. I was scared going in. They went to Baby B (this time they called him/her baby A) and s/he looked great. Waving at us and heart beating away. Then he went to Baby A(this time baby b) and it looked completely different than the other. I was watching so closely to see if I could see any movement. The doctor spent a couple of minutes measuring-seemed like an eternity, till he finally said that fetus B was no longer with us.
In my heart I knew it was coming, but it still very hard to hear. He told us that there appeared to be a deformity, and that it was for the best, because it took any decisions out of our hands.
The positioning of the babies though is the best case scenario. Baby B- now known as Bevis thanks to DH, is positioned closer to the cervix, so I will not miscarry Baby A. Itís a mixed thing for me. Knowing Bevis is perfect and safe, but also knowing that I have to carry Baby A for the remainder of the pregnancy too. I know s/he is very small, and will be expelled during birth, as nothing more than a clot but s/he is still with me.
Iím feeling much better about it, That day was hard, I cried pretty much non-stop, I know I have a better chance of a healthy pregnancy with just one baby. Iím looking forward to being able to really pursue a completely natural birth. And Iím finally getting to the point that I can celebrate my healthy baby. I spent a lot of time really pissed off. The unfairness of having to say goodbye to 4 babies still bothers me. I know other women have had to struggle with more loss, and I am lucky to have one healthy baby, but after all this time, I want both my babies. Iím thankful for my religion through this, because it at least helps me accept nature. Have to say though that it has pushed me further and further away from ever understanding or being able to accept Christianityís view, much to my step-MIL's disappointment.
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