Need prayers and advice please
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August 25th, 2009, 11:30 AM
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: NW, Indiana
This may be confusing to read. I apologize. I wrote this email to a friend earlier and it's so long but I need to get it out....
Well long story short. Please don't think I'm a flake. I have had this gut feeling for the last several months that we're not living our life right. All the fighting and cursing and you know we're just not the people I hoped we would be. I have had this nagging feeling that we need to start going to church more and make God more important in our lives.
Well I think I've said before because of Joe's thyroid thing he has a very over active sex drive and because of my problems I have a very under-active sex drive. This causes a lot of problems as well. I promise not to get to TMI here. Well, I'm not proud of it,(actually I'm very embarrassed and ashamed but it's relavent to the story) but after lots of nagging and bugging I let Joe take some pictures of me on his phone. (My face was not in them thank God and he erased of them last night). I kept getting more and more worried about things (the pics, and the way we are living, the way he talks to Me and Maggs sometimes). Not saying here that Joe is all bad and I'm perfect because I know Iím not and I just want to live a better life.
We are once again behind on bills and Iím not sure how we're gonna pay them....I don't know where the money goes. We paid for all of our trip cash I know we didnít blow it there. Anyway last night after Maggie went to bed I finally told Joe all of this.
I stayed very calm I told him how I was feeling and I figured that since he used to be so religious that he would understand. It all blew up in my face. He told me that I am an "emotional pysco" and I really need to look into getting on some medicine. He told me that I'm a bad wife and a bad mom and that he's not even sure if he loves me anymore. He wants me to cancel my appointment because he's "not gonna be a sperm donor". He said this has been coming on for several weeks. (then why are we still trying to have a baby?!) Of course I cried and cried then he said "oh did I hurt your feelings....how's it feel?" He said he gives and gives and never tells me no and always does anything to please me and he's not gonna do it anymore. I don't understand. I kept saying that too. I was completely blind sided by this. He said I don't even know him (how'm I suppose to get to know him when he won't talk to me?)
I knew we've had our fights and lately I felt like something was bothering him but he wouldn't talk when I asked so what could I do? I donít really know what's gonna happen. Joe says he doesn't know what he wants yet. I was up half the night crying and praying. You know what? I'm not that upset...well physically my body is upset but I am actually so calm right now. It's like whatever happens happens. Maybe this is what I need to get rid of the drama in my life get my life where I want it to be. The only thing I'm really upset about is Maggie. He told me last year when we were talking about divorce that he would fight me to the very end for Maggie. I'm really scared and worried about that. But I'm not to upset about him....maybe that should tell me something.
I'm a little worried about what people are gonna think too. Everyone knows we're trying now and when they ask me how it's going what am I suppose to say....Well I'm a bad wife and mom and I'm getting divorced instead....I can't say that. I'm just so confused.
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