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October 31st, 2009, 10:44 PM
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Capital of Kiwiland
I've been a follower of this forum for a while but felt it was good to post now.
My daughter was born 4 years ago after 4 miscarriages. It took us 39 cycles and 4 miscarriages to get her. I've had 3 miscarriages since. In March 2007 I had a twin loss that was riddled with mishaps. No one knew it was a twin loss and I had a D&C during a hospital strike. I could not get an ultrasound due to the strike but we felt with my history and the pains I was having that it was ok.
That weekend I hemmoraghed and needed a second D&C. Before the D&C I had an ultrasound where we discovered half of Baby A and all of Baby B. Both were deceased. That evening I stayed in hospital but a day later I hemmoraghed again. I had another ultrasound and Baby B was still present. I had my 3rd horrible D&C the following day.
Following that I developed an autoimmune flare we thought was Lupus. But I've since moved to better doctors and have been diagnosed with a rare genetic disease called Familial Mediterranean Fever. One of the facets of the disease is recurrent loss.
It's taken me 2.5 years to get back to my pre-preg life although now I'm on a variety of drugs, including steroids and a drug called Colchicine.
My husband and I wanted a large family and obviously this will not be in the cards for us. But we would like at least 1 more child.
We need to see a RE team as they will know how to juggle the drugs better than an OB and I will need a Peri doctor as well during the pregnancy. I will probably not be allowed to go over my due date.
We would like to try again in 6 months on May 1 2010 but everytime I try to think about it I get really nervous.
Sophie will be 5.5 when/if her sibling is born. If we have another miscarriage or need to try for ages, she will be older.
We're so scared of going back. How hard will it be to handle a school aged child and a newborn? Will she react badly to it? What if our new baby has health problems, as Sophie had reflux, was FTT, etc.
My own brother is 4.5 years younger than myself and we never got on. He is a really selfish and awful person and we have very little contact. My husband, on the other hand, has 3 older siblings and they grew up in the 'perfect' family.
I worry I won't love this new baby. I worry I won't be able to be a new baby mother again because of my fears surrounding being pregnant, of reflux again, etc. I'm also worried I will develop PPD and not be able to be a mother to 2.
My mother said having a second child ruined her life (as she got PPD and didn't get help, etc). I feel like I'm carrying that fear for no reason but at the same time...how hard is it starting over?
After the twins died I sold off a lot of our baby gear and my husband suggests that it will help me grieve and feel hope by buying new things for the new baby. I feel like I will never get over my guilt from the twin loss to really love this new baby.
Does anyone have any words of advice? Thanks girls.
8 Miscarriages / 9 Angels
1 big fat cat 'Meatloaf', 1 13 month old kitten 'Tiggatoo' and 1 boy kitten 'Earl of Grey'
Living Life with a Periodic Fever Disease.
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