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January 28th, 2010, 07:24 AM
*Bobbie*'s Avatar
*Bobbie* *Bobbie* is offline
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Rochester, NY
Posts: 15,851
It's been a while since I updated my journal.


Matthew was born on February 7, 2009 at 8:23am. We did injectable fertiliy drugs and IUI. We conceived the first cycle! He is a true miracle. It has almost been a year and all the heartache and loss while still a part of me, feels like just a bumpy ride to happiness. I am totally in love with my child and am so glad we never gave up on TTC.

Here is my birth story.....

Matthew James came into my life on Feb 7, 2009. He was 8lbs 9oz and 22 inches long. He has all his little fingers and toes. He is a very easy going sweet newborn. We planned on having all the kids in the delivery room but in the end only Stephany(18) stuck around for the long haul. My mom and Dave were also there with me.

The details are a little fuzzy...all days seem to run together now. It's been 2 nights and I have had a total of about 5 hrs of sleep.

We came in on Thursday at 9:30pm to start the induction. They were supposed to use cytotec but after I looked up the drug...there is NO WAY in hedoublehockey sticks that they were putting that in me. It is not FDA approved for use in pregnancy. It baffles me that dr's are so pushy about a drug that is not for use in the way that they push it. After lots of questioning as to why I didn't want it and being made to feel like I am some idiot they gave me the cervidil instead. Cervidil is FDA approved, but costs more money and doesn't react as fast, but can be managed. Cytotec cannot be stopped once started. Anyways....

They put that in around 11pm and gave me Ambien to help me sleep. Well, that was useless. I still didn't sleep. Hospital beds are not comfy and there is just too much going on to sleep. Plus the dumb BP cuff went off every 15 minutes from the time I got here, to the time Tank got here. UGH Good news is my blood pressure stayed normal the entire time with only one exception when it went over 140/90. I did start seeing flashing lights during the induction that scared the heck out of me, but reaffirmed any doubt I had about this induction being necessary. That was scary.

We woke up Friday morning and at 7:30 they announced a fire on the 6th floor. (3 above us) our room smelled like smoke so we had to leave for a while and walked around for a bit and chatted with the nurses on the floor. Turned out to be nothing... probably a ballast(sp?)

After the cervidil they started Pitocin on Friday at 12:00pm. I wanted a natural drug free birth free from any interventions. God laughed at my plans. And I am talking a big belly laugh not chuckles. As soon as the real induction began I was then hooked up to an eternal fetal monitor, contraction monitor, IV and BP cuff. Four things on my body attached at all times that made me feel like a prisoner in my bed and made me miserable. When I came in the dr's exam did not reflect my dr's exam.... so the induction was rough. My body really wasn't ready. Tank wasn't ready either...but I knew I NEEDED to get him out. My body was not handling pregnancy very well any more. I do not regret my decision, but it makes me sad that this was how a pretty good, and definately happy pregnancy had to end. I feel like I cheated my little man out of the birth he could have had.

At 4pm Friday they broke my water. I was 3cm. I have never seen so much water in my life. It was amazing. The nurses were shocked at the amount of fluid. It was actually funny. They kept upping the pitocin. The contractions were mild but consistant. Tanks heart rate kept dropping throughout the induction though.

Friday night around 10pm I felt like I was in transition. I was shaking, crying, and just having a meltdown. I really felt like it was going well and I would be told we were almost there. They checked me and I was only at 4cm. At that point i was on the birthing ball next to my bed. (Amazing thing to labor on.... if your hospital has one, give it a try....amazing!) With the pitocin our hospital requires a nurse to be in the room at all times. My nurse at that point was GREAT. Tanks hb kept getting *lost* on the monitor because every contraction I had made the monitor slip down. So on the print out it looked like he was in distress but in reality it was the dumb monitor in distress, not my little Tank. My nurse knew exactly what was going on and that he was fine. She even called in to the desk to tell them what was happening so no one came running. Well after about an hour my doctor had had enough of thinking he was in distress and came in and ordered the internal fetal monitor. She was really getting scared. UGH...good that she wanted to be sure but bad for me because now I had to have something else done to me that I sooooo didn't want. Getting that darn thing put on his head hurt like you can't believe.

At that point I was still at 4cm and the baby was very high. Basically my labor was really stalled and I was starting to feel real pain. I now had a tube running between my legs and I was super annoyed at how things were going. I was also starting to get emotional because all I could think is once one thing goes wrong it starts the medical waterfall that almost always ends in a c-section for *failure to progress* I lost it. I kicked everyone out of the room (three of our kids and my mom) and I had a melt down. I was crying because everything was going so wrong. This was exactly the opposite of what I envisioned. After my melt down I felt ten times better.

Around midnight I was in serious pain. I felt like I was going to be fully dilated at my next exam. I was crushed to hear I was still at 4cm with no change. During this time Tank was really looking like he was in distress. My dr decided she now wanted an internal contraction monitor too. I lost it. Everything felt like it was going wrong that could. I only wanted to go home and would have if I could. I could not use the tub or shower due to all the crap hooked up to me and I was really upset. I felt so out of control.

Around 2am I was in the worst pain of my life and could not get through it no matter what I did. For the first time in my life I could not deal with the pain. I was begging for a c-section, but got my head together and realized I had to have an epidural if I was going to have this baby. I was STILL at 4cm and the pitocin was cranked way up and they would not back it off. My nurse was a jerk at that point too and did nothing to help me. She was the worst nurse I have ever had. She ignored my questions and was anti natural birth. She would not get the kids extra blankets or pillows and refused to do anything to make them more comfortable. Everyone was miserable.

I asked for an epidural and it was in by 2:30am. Of course now I had to have a catheter too.... just another tube coming out of my body. I really felt like I was going to end up having a c-section by the time this was over. Everything was going sooo wrong. Tanks hb was really showing some distress at that point. I was now scared for my baby too. Somewhere around 4am...Tank and I had a talk. It was then I decided on his name. I think in my mind I was scared to get too close to my baby. I was afraid if I named him he wouldn't be real I guess. I could not stand the thought of losing him....so I guess I kept my self from loving him fully until then. After our little talk I felt at peace with my labor. I was doing what I had to do to get him here. Nothing else really mattered. I wanted a totally natural birth like I have had in the past, but it just wasn't meant to be. I let it go and forgave myself. I then fell asleep and slept for two hours. I woke up feeling like a new person and felt like I was ready to welcome this child.

I was talking to my nurse(she was sooo nice after I asked for the drugs...what a jerk) and found out that she was going off shift at 6:30am but would be there till 7:30am if I got to 10cm and was ready to push by then. I also found out the doctor I am more comfortable with was coming on at 7:30. They did a check and found out I was at 10cm around 7am. I then made a decision to at least have some control over my labor. LOL I told them I had no pressure and felt no urge to push. I was going to keep telling them that until shift change unless I felt like the baby was falling out. A little late to take control.... but it felt good to at least end my labor my way. By 7:30 I was feeling serious pressure. Here they call it passive descent when you just allow your body to push the baby down and just save the pushing for the last couple minutes. There is no reason to waste your energy and risk tearing by forcing the baby down with pushing. By allowing him to come down on his own slowly you usually stretch better and avoid an episotomy.

At 8:00am shifts had changed, I now had a nurse I loved (she was there the day before) and the dr I prefered. I was ready! I told them I felt pressure then...LOL In 23 minutes Matthew James was born.... with no tear and no episitomy! I FINALLY got my way on one thing that meant A LOT to me. I was dreading being cut. I was cut with both my other kids and never wanted to have that done again. My dr was amazing, my nurses were caring and positive. My baby was born healthy and happy. So what if I couldn't get the birth I dreamed of.... actually I did, it's just some of the details that got mixed up

Around 6am my kids had to leave they had stuff to do and I told them it was their choice to stay or leave. They chose to leave. I was really dissapointed but I didn't want to force them to stay. Dave's oldest daughter and my mom stayed. I am so glad Steph decided to tough it out. No one got any sleep that night, everyone was cranky. Steph and Matthew are going to have an amazing bond... I can tell. She is in love with her new little brother. She also has now witnessed the birth of another human being and I am sure it is something she will never forget. Matthew was in awe of his big sister just moments after birth. When he looked at her and turned his head to her voice wide eyed and alert I think he sealed the bond for life. She just can't get enough of him. I think it will make her and I closer too. God knows with step kids any extra bond you can get is a much added bonus. Step parenting is tough...LOL

Durning his birth right before pushing I was running a fever. Because of that Matthew and I are on *watch* for 48 hours. I have been given a couple does of penecillian (sp?) and we both need complete checks every two hours. It's frustrating, but I understand the need to be sure we are both okay.

While pushing I managed to do damage to my IV site and my hand swelled to a size I have never seen. It looked like I was bit by a snake. Iy hurt like heck and I could no longer use my right hand. Shortly after that I got up after delivery to use the bathroom and wash up and almost passed out due to blood loss. I thought for sure I was headed towards a transfusion. Due to the blood loss I was pretty much confined in bed for the day.

They had to take the IV out as soon as my hand swelled up and then I need a new on in my left hand. So now both hands were useless. It is really hard to nurse with useless hands. I was at the mercy of my wonderful nurses. Luckily they are GREAT with breastfeeding and my little man is a nursing pro so far.

Now it's 16 hours after his birth and I am finally feeling almost myself again. I am in love with my little man and so thankful for the help I have had from everyone around me. Luckily the visitors were kept to a minimum today and the ones I did have were just close family.

Now the adventure begins. I so look forward to where my life is going. The doctor who deliver Matthew is the same doctor who did my D&C with the loss of our first angel. I feel like I have come full circle and am so blessed with what I have been given. I finally feel at peace with life.
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Bobbie mom to : Jeremy (22) Amanda (19) Matthew ( 4) and Daniel (3).... RYAN DAVID 1/4/14 8lbs 10oz 20 3/4 inches!!! My miracle happened!
step-mom to: Stephany (23) and Krista (20)
step-grandma to: Wesley (3), Rosemarie (7 months)



On 1/31/12 at exactly 16 weeks pregnant Noah came too soon. He was our 7th loss
If you would like to see pictures of my sweet (but tiny) boy they can be viewed at www.caringbridge.org/visit/noahdarrohn they aren't the easiest pictures to look at but I am willing to share them with anyone who would like to see them <3
On August 2, 2012 we lost Sarah at 17 weeks. She was our 8th loss Her pictures can be viewed at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sarahdarrohn
There is no known explanation for my losses.

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