sad and alone
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May 1st, 2010, 11:29 PM
Join Date: May 2010
When I found out I was pregnant I was scared out of my mind. I cried for the 1st week because the kids would have been 18 months apart and my husband was scheduled to deploy the month before the baby was due. After a week I got use to the idea and started making plans on how I was going to be a mother of 2 by myself. Things were going great until April 16th. I woke up that morning feeling a little blah, I had an upset stomach the day before. Well like every morning I relieve my bladder except this time, I felt a pop like my water broke. There was no blood but I felt some kind of tissue. I ran down the stairs and told my husband. He called the OBGYN and they said they would meet us at the office (located in the hospital). They were working on getting our room ready when we got there. I was there for about 5 minutes and I felt a gush, I looked down to discover I was bleeding. They told me I had lost the baby. I have never felt so much emotional pain as I did hearing those words. I couldn't breathe and the machines were going off, the next thing I knew I was being rushed into the OR for a D&C. The Dr. came in after it was done and said it was a good thing it all happened there, I lost so much blood that I would have likely died trying to get there if it happened at home. They gave us little cards with his foot prints on them. I was 15 weeks when all this happened. I have never been this heartbroken in my life. I keep replaying the prior weeks in my head when i was in there for a cold. They checked the baby out and said everything was fine, I just had a cold....
Well the last 2 weeks have been really tough, my good friend calls me a week after all this happens to tell me she was pregnant. I was so hurt by it. I wish she would have stopped for a moment to think that maybe this wasn't a good time to tell me that. Now I can't be around her. its like a constant slap in the face or a ha ha I got what you lost. My husband keeps trying to force me back out into the world but I tell him I am not ready. I had to go to the dentist the other day and got stuck sitting between 2 pregnant women, then go to the clinic for my medicine and surrounded by newborns and more pregnant women. I cried the entire way home. Everyone I talk to says they are sorry and they understand but until you actually go through this, no one can really understand. I have several friends who lost their babies in prior years and I never understood why it was just a hard thing to get over, now I know...
Now on Monday I have to go back for my check up at the OB. I dread walking in there and having to be around those other pregnant women. I feel so alone in the world...
thanks for taking the time to read this... It helps when I can vent
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