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-   -   Wish I could feel happy... but I don't (http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f2038-2013-playroom/2563183-wish-i-could-feel-happy-but-i-dont.html)

SeaShell_Mom4 August 19th, 2012 08:17 AM

Wish I could feel happy... but I don't
I have spent the past week and a half worrying about every cramp, back ache, ect.... I know it's out of my hands and I should enjoy today but it's so hard.
I wake up and think is this normal, is that the same back ache I got before my m/c? Ugh! It's driving me crazy, literally!!!

I had a m/c at 11 weeks last April. In June I got pregnant again, or so a test said I was. On July 19th in the middle of the night a fully loaded log truck crashed out front of my home spilling over 100,000 lbs of logs through my house completely destroying it. My 5 yo son was killed, I lost my pregnancy as I was crushed under the logs and have 5 pelvic fractures, 2 in my lower spine and my hip was separated from my pelvis.
The physical recovery has been coming along, but apparently the emotional piece isn't because I feel emotionally overwhelmed. I keep thinking can I handle another loss? And then I feel sad that Liam is gone, am I trying to replace him?? So now I have the guilt :( Uyyyy!!!

I am sure pregnancy hormones aren't helping but I feel like I am going crazy and just needed to vent this somewhere :rolleyes:

Missa_Mae August 19th, 2012 08:48 AM

Re: Wish I could feel happy... but I don't
Oh hunny, first off I am so so very sorry for your losses!

Second off, although I haven't endured any losses like yours, I have anxiety over every twinge, cramp, stomach ache, etc. Are you in counseling? If not, I would consider it as it has been helping me.

You are a very strong women for what you've been through, and life is going to have it's ups and downs. This baby that you're carrying will not replace your baby boy for sure, but it will bring you happiness that you deserve to have.

Have you been speaking with your doctors? Have you had any bloodwork/tests done yet? Congrats on your pregnancy, I'm sure you will have a happy& healthy 9 months.

We are all here if you need to vent

11eleven August 19th, 2012 08:52 AM

Re: Wish I could feel happy... but I don't
You are such a strong person! I was in the Oct 11 DDC with you, and I was so sad to hear about your son. I think we are all feeling paranoid and nervous..., I recently made a post about wanting to run out of a movie theater to go check in the bathroom! Totally normal, but it's hard not to be worrying 24/7! Hang in there mama, we are here for support!

nameetog August 19th, 2012 11:20 AM

Re: Wish I could feel happy... but I don't
I am so very sorry for your loss. I can only imagine just how difficult this has been for you. It is difficult to be pregnant after a loss under normal circumstances. Give yourself a break, continue to voice your feelings and fears we are here for support.

Tamimomof5 August 19th, 2012 01:24 PM

Re: Wish I could feel happy... but I don't
Oh my.....I'm so very sorry for all of your losses. What a tragic story. You sound like a very strong woman. Just know that it's completely normal to be anxious during pregnancy especially during the first trimester especially when you've experienced a loss. We're all here to support you and help you through.

jen747 August 19th, 2012 01:32 PM

Re: Wish I could feel happy... but I don't
Oh wow...I am crying for you. There's no way you could go through that and NOT feel worried & stressed. What you are feeling is normal & I think you are incredibly brave and stong. Probably the best thing you can do is talk through it.

seri0uslyc0nfused August 19th, 2012 02:32 PM

What a heartbreaking story :( I'm sorry for everything you have been through. stressing out is understandable. I hope everything works out for you and things are on the way up. Nothing will ever replace what you have lost, but it will be nice to have something to bring joy to your life again.

HalfDozen August 19th, 2012 03:35 PM

Re: Wish I could feel happy... but I don't
I think Missa Mae is right -- you need to share these concerns with your doctor. I can't imagine that many of us would be willing to give it another go after your experience, and of course, no one will think that you are replacing your son! I know my husband kept saying last time that he wouldn't get snipped until we made sure everything was okay with the baby. I know he meant well, but no baby can ever replace another one. I hope that as you go along in this pregnancy that your stress level eases.

Grace August 19th, 2012 04:58 PM

Re: Wish I could feel happy... but I don't
Sending you big hugs, I remember you leaving the Oct ddc and we were all so very sad. I know you went through and are still going through so much with the loss of liam. No you aren't trying to replace him, in your heart you know that isn't possible and something that would never happen. This baby is to add to your life and bring you and your family joy, I know it's hard to not worry. I am praying for you and your LO :)

Kennydra August 19th, 2012 07:06 PM

Re: Wish I could feel happy... but I don't
I am so sorry for your losses :(. I remember hearing about you from a friend who I believe was in one of your previous DDCs and was part of my last DDC with my youngest. She asked us to pray for your family and I most certainly did, and will continue to do so. So happy that you are joining us *hugs*

hearts.0nfire August 19th, 2012 07:20 PM

Re: Wish I could feel happy... but I don't
:dothug: First off I want you to know i'm so sorry about what happened. I remember hearing about it and my heart was absolutely broken for your family. It's definitely normal to worry about every thing. My loss was so early and was not as traumatic, but i've always been so nervous during all of my pregnancies. Also don't worry or feel guilty at all about the possibility of replacing your son because you're not. He'll always be your son and he'll always be there even if he's not physically with you. Just take care of yourself girl.

MeganMomof5 August 19th, 2012 08:02 PM

Re: Wish I could feel happy... but I don't
i'm sorry your feeling this way Christina...I hope you don't mind me posting here...after having losses it's very normal to feel that way...i'm 14 weeks tomorrow and I still feel that way almost daily...I don't think your trying to replace Liam, it's impossible to replace your child...I haven't lost a living child, but I felt the same way about my baby that was stillborn...I realized after Jakob was born, that it's not possible to replace another baby for a child you lost...I hope in time you'll feel better about your pregnancy, and I hope you don't mind me stalking your posts :) Lot's of prayers!!

libbeylou August 19th, 2012 09:15 PM

Re: Wish I could feel happy... but I don't
Wow...you have been through so much! You are understandably missing your lost babies, but you've been blessed with another little soul...it is not a replacement. Don't be so hard on yourself about the guilt, I think that is a natural and normal feeling. Try to allow yourself to be happy and seek the support of a counselor or pastor to help you through this. Sending lots of prayers...& hugs!!!

Spyctre August 19th, 2012 10:26 PM

Re: Wish I could feel happy... but I don't
I'm just lurking from the Feb PR, checking up on you actually. I was so glad to hear you were expecting. :) I understand a bit how you feel, but I never lost a child like that. Winter Rose was the third pregnancy I had last year. By the time I got pregnant with her there was no excitement.

It was pretty hard being pregnant with a baby I knew I wanted, but costantly thinking about my twins and Christmas baby that the new pregnancy could never replace. There's still not a day that goes by that they don't cross my thoughts. It didn't help having hyperemesis. I dealt with some very horrible thoughts and feelings last year.

I imagine it will be the same with you. You know you won't be replacing your son. I couldn't imagine loving another child like my daughter, but now that daughter two is here, I love them both. You will never stop loving Liam, but the new son or daughter will be loved just as much.

:hug: One day at a time.

CrochetingMama August 20th, 2012 04:35 AM

Re: Wish I could feel happy... but I don't
I can't even imagine what you're going through. We are all here for you though.

JTsquared August 6th, 2013 08:43 AM

Oh wow, I am so happy to see you here! I don't know if you remember me, I was the host for the Feb 12 ddc. I hope things are going okay with your pregnancy now, I see you posted this a free weeks ago. You are a strong lady, my thoughts and prayers are (still) with you and your family.

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