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-   -   well, I just don't know what to do. (http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f2038-2013-playroom/2648769-well-i-just-dont-know-what-to-do.html)

JaeSung May 7th, 2013 07:16 AM

well, I just don't know what to do.
He says to me, "we can't do this" says about how we don't have steady jobs. We aren't living together.
Well, I told him more than once he could live with me. He chose not to.
And he could always get a steady job. But today he tells me that $7 an hour isn't good enough for him.

And I told him there are plenty of months for us to get steady jobs, and have money.

He says he wants to be with me still, but not with things they are. Meaning not if I stay pregnant.
I feel like I have no choice.

Why can't he understand the points I make?

Not to mention he could have done something on his end. Hello, condoms.

And why does he have the right to decide this baby doesn't have the right to live? And why does he say there is no life? It exists, therefore it has a life.

I feel like I have no choice but to do what I did before.

I don't know what to do.

prayingforbaby13 May 7th, 2013 07:23 AM

Re: well, I just don't know what to do.
you have to do what is right for you. Just saying that if you do decide to do what you did before (not sure what it is) and he leaves you after doing it. you are never going to forgive yourself for doing it. Men comes and goes... but a baby is there... YOU NEED TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT FOR YOU AND NOT HIM... it's your body.. your baby... your decision.. if he doesn't want the baby now... wait till it's born and maybe then he would change his mind, but don't do anything drastic now... having a baby is a precious gift a woman can have.

JaeSung May 7th, 2013 07:27 AM

Re: well, I just don't know what to do.
If I don't get it taken care of, he will leave well before it's born.

LadybugBanana May 7th, 2013 07:27 AM

Re: well, I just don't know what to do.
You have a choice. It is your body. He doesn't have the right to say the baby lives or dies, YOU DO. You have your own place. If he can't respect what you want to do with the baby then he doesn't deserve to be a part of your life. You CAN do this on your own, I promise. There is tons of help out there for single moms, yes it is difficult, but the Govt does help those that are in dire need of it. I used the KY version of these programs when I had my DD. I was in a very abusive relationship with her dad(and didn't realize it until after I left!) and I had put on my big girl panties and take things into my own hands.

Go to this link and see if you qualify for WIC, get on it if you do. It will help you with nutritious foods during pregnany and formula if you choose to use that after delivery
Women, Infants and Children (WIC) Program - Minnesota Dept. of Health

Food Stamps. No one is above this, if you don't have food you don't have a healthy baby. If you do not have a job or you have a low income job you WILL qualify.
Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) and Food Assistance Programs

Health Insurance- Go here and research and set up an appointment to get insurance during and after your pregnancy
03.20.05 Pregnant Women

Also, please look into a counselor in your area. They can and will help you with this situation, and they will be able to get more in depth information about your relationship and help you to discover ways to work things out either alone or together.
How do I get mental health services in Minnestoa?

This is a site specifically for Single Mother support in Minnesota.

*DISCLAIMER* This post is in no way supposed to be negative, please do not take it that way. This is strictly an opinion with supporting facts. Please take the knowledge disclosed in this reply and use it as you please. Please dismiss this post if it does not pertain to you.

Miss-Melissa-Sue May 7th, 2013 07:33 AM

Re: well, I just don't know what to do.
I completely agree with what the others have posted. Counseling would help tremendously. You said previously you were keeping the baby even if he left. You need to do what's best for you and the baby. You need to sit and think, what's more important. A man who won't stand beside you in a pregnancy and make you take care of them twice or the baby. Ultimately it's your decision. Please remember you are asking for our opinions and we are trying to help.

JaeSung May 7th, 2013 07:36 AM

Re: well, I just don't know what to do.
He tells me we can't do it because I am on government assistance, for one reason. He tells me I can't support it because of that.

prayingforbaby13 May 7th, 2013 07:44 AM

Re: well, I just don't know what to do.

Originally Posted by JaeSung (Post 27345645)
He tells me we can't do it because I am on government assistance, for one reason. He tells me I can't support it because of that.

he is giving all the reason why you can't do it, instead of encouraging you... there are alot of people on government assistance who raise babies and have healthy normla lives.. Like everyone said... you have to make the decision that is best for you and your baby.. not him... if he doesn't support your decision and keeps down taking you.. he doesn't deserve to be around.. :dothug::dothug:

LadybugBanana May 7th, 2013 07:46 AM

Re: well, I just don't know what to do.
What I am about to share might make some judge me, and if you are one of those I am sorry. I am sharing my experience one last time to try to convince you that things can and will change. Do not make drastic decisions based on the immediate environmental factors. They are variables, not fixed, they can and do change.

On govt assistance, your assistance amount increases as your family size increases. I was on these programs for the first 3 years of my DDs life, I had to to be able to survive and support the two of us on my own, My job alone would not provide for everything we needed. But, I used it as a supplement. I had a full time job and the assistance helped cover what my minimum wage job would not. I was in and out of homeless shelters over the course of my DD being 3months to 5 months old.

To help you understand that things can change in the blink of an eye, I went from having a horrible job and being a single mom to having a job where I make more than I did in about 5 years together in 1 year. Now I am no longer on assistance, can provide and give my DD more than she needs. Also, I have met an amazing man that I will be able to call my husband soon. Soon, I will get to be a SAHM by choice, because his income can more than support us. This is NOTHING like what I imagined my future to be. I never imagined my life would turn around while I was with my DDs BD. But, with the right outlook on life, anything is possible. Goals and perseverance will take you far!!!

JaeSung May 7th, 2013 07:57 AM

Re: well, I just don't know what to do.
His thoughts won't change. He says other people our age can do this because they have a house, and cars. What the hell do I need a house and a car for? Do they make me a better parent? No, they don't.

I've tried telling him just because we don't have much money now, that doesn't meanw can't by the time the 9 months are up.

He's just got his mind too closed to listen to what I'm saying.
And if I am not good enough to stay with pregnant, then how is it I'm good enough to stay with when not pregnant?

And he says he doesn't want to go through what he's going through with his kids he has with his ex-wife. Not being able to see or talk to them.

How dare he compare me to her? And think I would keep him from seeing or talking to his kid.

And how dare he compare this situation to the fact I don't see my son much. The reason for that is he lives so far away. And it's not easy to get there.

I already know the government gives more money. Not much though.
I called and inquired about it.

I even have a Goodwill not too far away where I can get job help.

And he tells me he'll buy me a cat. As if that's even a fair "replacement"!

SweetiePeas May 7th, 2013 07:57 AM

Re: well, I just don't know what to do.
These ladies have given you great advice!

Also I am sorry you are going through this, I know it would be hard on your own, but know you can do this with or without him!

JaeSung May 7th, 2013 08:03 AM

Re: well, I just don't know what to do.
Thank you. Of course I can. But I have to lose him. Why can't I have both?
Obviously he doesn't care enough about me, if he can tell me he wants to stay with me only if I'mnot pregnant. But also obviously I am not good enough.

prayingforbaby13 May 7th, 2013 08:07 AM

Re: well, I just don't know what to do.
to be honest if he wants to leave.. let him leave.. at least you know you won't be stressed out and have to live with a "man" like that... he's mentally and emotionally abusing you in this situation. He thinks that you would chose him over the baby... and that would make him feel powerful. but don't give into it. do the opposite and chose your baby over him, as your child would never leave you but he would. He's already threaten to if you don't.. so i would say the next time he said he's leaving.. show him the door.. and move on with you life and the baby

JaeSung May 7th, 2013 08:13 AM

Re: well, I just don't know what to do.
I know you're right.

I'll have to tell him if he doesn't want to be with me just because I'm pregnant, then how can he love me? And it's him choosing not to be part of this kid's life. And he tells me he'd rather spend 5 years in jail.

My question is. His kids he has now would have the right to know they'd have another sibling, right?

prayingforbaby13 May 7th, 2013 08:18 AM

Re: well, I just don't know what to do.
yes.. it would be nice for his other kids to know they have another sibling, but at this point in your life. you main concern is your baby.. not his right now...

exactly wat you said, if he can't love you when you are carrying his child, he can't love you after.. in the end the decision is yours, and it may seems hard at the beginning but as times goes by it gets better.

blakesgirl09 May 7th, 2013 08:22 AM

Re: well, I just don't know what to do.
Again, I'm not writing this to be negative, I'm writing because I was in a similar situation once a very long time ago. It is very clear to me that you have insecurity issues and are scared to be alone. There is nothing wrong with that, a lot of women have this problem and it doesn't mean that you are "damaged" in any way. You made it clear that you understand that since he is giving you this ultimatum, he doesn't care about you. You know that, you have obviously spoken it aloud. Why is this even a decision?? You know as well as I do, that deep down, you are sure that even if you do make the decision that he wants you to, he will most likely still leave eventually and then what have you got to show for all the heartache that you have had to endure?

Abortion is a very personal decision. It is there for people in dire situations, Rape, mollestation. It is not to be abused and used as a backup form of birth control. You know how many women would kill to have the oppurtunity that you have? I know in your previous post you mentioned adoption? Wouldn't that be a better solution than abortion? Please reconsider. I really hope that you'll continue to think about this and not make a decision strictly based on the fact that you don't want to be alone.

This is a touchy subject and I hope that I don't offend which is certainly not my intention, but if you didn't want differing opinions, you wouldn't have posted this on a public forum.

JaeSung May 7th, 2013 08:37 AM

Re: well, I just don't know what to do.
I'm fine being alone actually. I just don't want to lose him. I will miss him. I think that's normal.

I can only say he's just stupid to believe it's ok to get rid of it, just because he's not ready. I would figure normally the guy might not be ready, but would at least say, "well, it happened. We'll work it out".

Instead of just running away.

HorseGal May 7th, 2013 08:59 AM

Re: well, I just don't know what to do.
Warning, I don't sugar coat.

Hun you have GOT to quit acting like this "man" is even worth anyones time of day. Lets kill it and get a cat instead? Seriously. Don't offer to let that POS live in your house. Like you need ANOTHER kid to take care of. He can either man up or step out, but either way he's going to be paying to support this child for the next 18 years. A child is a blessing and if he can't see that he should have kept it in his pants or covered it up. Plain and simple.

And btw I understand you have an emotional attachment, but once you step out of this situation and move on, you will be so thankful you did. Go find a real man.

Celinda_n May 7th, 2013 09:02 AM

Re: well, I just don't know what to do.
I know people might not like this and I'm sorry if I offend ... But abortion in not an option in my opinion. I too am sorry you are in this situation and it sounds like you are going to make the right decision and end the relationship. If you do decide you are unable to care for this child, then please consider adoption. Many families would love to help you in your time of need with medical assistance and financial compensation. But this baby is a life.. Not a choice. We look at these images on u/s and rejoice fir each other! Itty bitty babies with heart beats! BABIES. People say it's the mother's choice but what about the babies choice? I'm sorry to sound like this but abortion is not a teeth cleaning type of procedure. In and out with no harm done. It's a life and it's murder. I don't want anyone to feel pain from a past decision. I've been there and I regret it constantly. I wish someone would have stood up to me then and told me there was another way. I will pray for you and the pain and confusion you must be feeling. But God is good! He will honor your decision to protect life. It won't be easy alone but you can do it! :hug:

Brittanie May 7th, 2013 09:03 AM

Re: well, I just don't know what to do.
In my mind, this man is focused almost completely on himself. He's worried about HIS life and what a new responsibility will do to HIS lifestyle. I'm sure you will miss the good things, that is normal. But what we're seeing is the bullying and disrespect he is showing you.

In the end, you have to decide whether those good parts are worth what you are going through right now. Whether they're worth the fear that he will find some other dumb thing he doesn't like and bully you into changing with the threat of him leaving.

It's obvious to me that you want to be a mother. That you want this child. Do you want it badly enough to not let him rob you of that dream?

:dothug: You're strong enough to stand up for yourself, whichever you decide.

ImVictorious May 7th, 2013 09:14 AM

Re: well, I just don't know what to do.
I just hope that you look into some contraception next time. If you want and love that child in your womb an abortion wouldn't be an option, AGAIN. I work in social services, I assist women get on these govt programs. Where there's a will there's a way. Can't really blame him for what you are contemplating doing to your body again. This isn't some tribe in a third world country. You have the final say as to what goes on in your body. You won't be the first or last woman to do it on their own. If you are again offended by the tone of my post, that's on you. It's the truth and like they say the truth hurts.

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