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August 7th, 2010, 03:49 PM
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I used to think I would want to know but now I'm not so sure.

Yea, it would have been great to know that I would have the kids I have, but it would also mean knowing that we would face the challenges we face now. I love Joey so much but had I known that yes I would have a child BUT he would spend so much time fighting to survive... I don't know that I would have had him. Maybe right now its because his future is still so uncertain and I worry how the other kids will handle transplant and what could happen in transplant. If someone had told me the future and told me I would have a child who would fight for his life AND survive then yes, I would have dealt with it and gone on but if I was told that he would fight for his life, his entire life, and then lose his battle... I just don't think I could knowingly do that.

So in the past I would have wanted to know but today... I am glad I didn't know. And honestly as much as I want to know what the outcome will be in the long run... I don't think I can handle knowing if the outcome is less than what we pray for.
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