Some Ugly Self-Realizations
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September 8th, 2010, 09:58 AM
Join Date: Apr 2010
Yes, this is a rant about myself. After having 3 complete mental breakdowns in a day I realize what was making me so upset. Myself.
I never ask for help with anything. I do it all. Cook, clean, take care of the baby, make sure the older two are doing what they are supposed to, all by myself. I sometimes dole out chores to the kids because I know they need knowledge of how to clean, how to keep things neat and so on. DH keeps telling me I don't have to do it all myself, but I feel like if I'm not doing everything I'm being lazy. It doesn't matter if I've done everything in the house that needs to be done. If I, myself, am not doing these things, I feel like a lazy, bad mother. It's completely irrational and I know that. I tell myself to ask for help, i'm not perfect, I don't have to act like i'm perfect. I don't need to put everything on myself and not ask for anyones help. But it continues the same way it always has. With me putting myself in charge of everything. It's not that i'm trying to prove a point to anyone, I don't have any points to prove. I put all these high expectations on myself to be who I think I should be, and when I don't meet those expectations, I get frustrated and lash out. It's not fair to my family, especially my children.
I'm mean without realizing it. I'm extremely strict without thinking. Somehow I have managed to put my expectations of myself on my kids. That's wrong. They're kids. I lose my temper way more than I should. I hate that. I hate how I wind up yelling at the kids, and right after I walk away I realize I shouldn't have done that. Sometimes I go back to them and hug them and apologize for losing my temper, but most of the time I'm too disappointed in myself to even look at them. I disgust myself. Sometimes I catch myself before I go on a rampage and remind myself they are just kids, their priorities are different than mine. They aren't adults and they don't need to be treated like adults. I give them a gentle reminder to get back on track and do what is expected of them. A lot of times, thats not the case. I make sure I give them lots of hugs and good jobs and pats on the back. It's not their fault i'm messed up.
I've been trying to change myself for a year now. I need to be a mother, not a taskmaster. I hate the way I am, I hate doing things the way I do. The two problems are related. I think if I asked for help I wouldnt be so frustrated with everything, I wouldnt be so depressed, I could become the person I want to be without having to run everything myself. I cause myself a lot of stress and hardship and I don't want to be like that. Right now, I'm hating myself.
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