Not sure if I belong here
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September 18th, 2010, 08:52 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: The Heart of Rural England
I used to come on the boards as *Pamela* and I recognize a lot of the names on here from PAL and other areas.
My baby, Elijah Christopher, was born sleeping on Sept 10 at at 4:45 London time weighing 182 grams at 19 weeks.
Back in July, we were on holiday in Cornwall and started bleeding, lasted a week and they got me booked in at a local hospital for a scan. I thought for sure there would be no heartbeat but the tech was very happy to say our baby had a heartbeat but....baby has a very large cystic hygroma measuring 7.6. They couldn't answer any questions so arrangements were made for a scan and apt with the fetal medicine dept at home on our return.
At that apt, we saw the baby and he looked great. They really didn't say anything about his organs but were more concerned about the hygroma. We opted for the cvs and were given a 1% chance of something being wrong. I knew we would be ok with those odds and I never questioned where he got those numbers. The next day was the hardest becasue we would have the fish results. Later that night, my husband was to drive me and son Ethanael and my daughter Gabriella up to a hotel at the airport for our flight to the states the next morning. About an hour before that, the call came in that our baby did have down syndrome. I was scared and paniced and couldn't stop crying. Leaving for that hotel and not having my husband by my side when I needed him most was heart wrenching. It was also stated during that phone call that the hygroma could cause serious heart propblems due to where is was.
I feel horrible but I pretty much turned myself off with my pregnancy. I was afraid. I went to the states for a month and all my mom and I talked about was buying loads of stuff for the baby and maternity clothes. That never happened, I couldn't buy anything or even go into the baby departments. I did talk to him to let him know how much I loved him and how much he was wanted.
When we got home, the following week I had an apt and he was gone. They would get me in 2 days later and I was ok with that. When we got there, they put us in a quiet private room but left us sitting there for almost 2 hours. Finally they got us started and inserted something to ready the cervix (sorry can't remember the name). I could feel the contractions start off slowly. The midwives and the anesthetist came back and asked if I needed any pain relief. I didn't want anything because I just wanted to be fully alert when he was born. I was asked if I needed any anti nausea medication as well but thankfully I never felt it. About 3pm they gave me something else orally and the contractions really picked up. I was never checked for dialation because they pretty much leave you to it unless you need them for something. I started going back and forth from the bathroom to standing at my bed and was at the point where I couldn't take the pain anymore and wanted pain relief. I ended up sitting on the toilet with a bedpan for a while and felt a pop. I paged the midwife and she came down and I was in so much pain I just wanted to go back and sit on the toilet. She offered to come in with me but I just wanted to be alone. She asked if I felt like I need to go to the toilet and I said yes and she said she would be right back. As soon as I sat down, I knew he was coming. I went back to the bed and Mick helped me get into bed and I remember crying because it was so hard to get back in and I was afriad he would be born on the floor. He was born at 4:45 still in his bag of waters and my placenta attached.
They put him in a basket and handed him to me. He was so sweet and looked perfect. It was hard for Mick and came and looked at him up close but stood back for most of it. Elijah looked just like Ethanael. His legs were so long. I fell in love all over with him and just stared in awe at him. I don't know how long we held him but he started to get cold and I let him go. The midwife said she would keep him under the warmer if we wanted to hold him later. I didn't, it would be too hard to say goodbye again.
We were given a set of handprints and footprints and the hospital took pictures for us but the printer wasn't working so they are supposed to get them to us. I do worry that they will lose them because that's all we have of him. We opted not to have the post mortem done on him and part of me feels I should have but they gave us a booklet that described what they do to the baby in detail and I couldn't do it. I have allowed a post mortem on my placenta so if there is anything genetic, we should be able to find out.
We lost a boy at 12 weeks back in 2006 and I do wonder now if there is something there when having boys. It makes me feel even more blessed to have my Ethanael.
I have days where I feel like I have no clue as to what I'm doing. I miss him like crazy. I don't know if I belong here or anywhere. I don't feel right going onto the PAL board to let them know what's happened because they have enough worries.
I've been going day to day ok and then the bereavment team called from the hospital about the burial and I lost it.
I'm so sorry if this is all over the place, I just don't know.
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