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October 4th, 2010, 11:44 AM
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rebeccabaltimore and more rebeccabaltimore and more is offline
(rebeccabaltimore)
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,842
Day after day this half of October, Facebook post after Facebook post, I am reminded of what I lost because we are raising awareness of what we all have lost. Not a day goes by that I don't think of my babies, and I think about them too much now that I have post-traumatic stress issues, but I guess it's all of the extra reminders that are hard. And just as hard is the constant understanding that this. keeps. happening. To other moms, other families. To all of my friends. I can't get away from it, it's like a hall of mirrors, each reflecting back at me my pain and suffering and grief and the grief of my family, friends, and women I have never even met. 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in m/c. 1 in 117 ends in stillbirth. There are no accurate statistics for TFMR, because no one ever talks about it thanks to a heaping helping of shame and judgment.

It was hard enough last year when it was just Ethan. But now I'm up to three lost children. And I have not forgiven myself for ending the co-triplets' lives. And more than anything, I am not coping well with the unfairness of it all, the horrible choices we had to make THREE times. Holding Ethan in my hands. Seeing Baby B and Baby C on half a dozen u/s, floating silent and still while their brother wiggled underneath. And we have so many new faces on this board. I feel anger - why does this keep happening to other families? Isn't my suffering enough? Buddha made a religion out of his realization that life is suffering, and while that's true, he was probably so serene about it because he had never lost a child. More than anything, I just can't bear the weight of the grief we all share.

We need to raise awareness, particularly of TFMR and stillbirth. No one thinks it can happen to them. I just wish I didn't have to be so aware while we are doing it.
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