The HARDEST decision I will ever have to make!
View Single Post
December 5th, 2010, 04:41 PM
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Sylvania Township, Ohio
First of all, do not read this or reply if you are going to be judgemental or not be supportive. I have agonized over this decision. Never in a million years would I have ever thought I would have to do anything like this. Put yourself in my shoes as I tell the story!
I love my children more than anything. I would do anything for them in the world. I am not a perfect mom but I do the best I can.
With that being said, I am going to be sending my 8 year old Cody to go live with his dad. Permanently. I am signing off all rights to him. I feel like I have no other alternative. I have been agonizing and crying over this for days. I have spoken to very few people about this. But I need to let this all out.
I was with his dad for almost 11 years. It was a horrible, abusive, loveless, dead end marriage. I tried like hell to make things work with him. I truly did. I had 2 kids from previous and in the course of the marriage, we had a son. Cody.
In November 2008 my life changed forever. I met Rob. I fell head over heels immediately. Things happened fast and I ended up finding out I was pregnant a little over a month after we met. I got the courage to get out of the marriage, not only because I was pregnant with another man's child but also because I knew there was no hope for the marriage.
For the first few months I was separated from my husband, he stalked me nonstop. Calling me upwards of 20 times a day and sending me at least that many text messages a day. He'd show up anywhere I was. He'd call my OB doctor to find out things about my pregnancy and to tell the doctor that he was my husband and to terminate my pregnancy. Mostly to tell me things would change blah blah blah. I'd heard the same song and dance before. Also, he wanted me to stop taking the progesterone to keep my pregnancy viable and to "let nature take it's course." He harassed my daughter nonstop via yahoo messenger and facebook. He had Rob arrested for making a threat against him. Something Rob does not deny, he was trying to protect me and our unborn son. I finally got all the evidence I needed to file MENACING BY STALKING charges against him. But in turn for him dropping the charges against Rob, I had to drop the charges against him. I truly wish it didn't come down to that.
Wyatt was born and after that, out of the kindness of my heart, I let my ex and his family have visitation with Cody, even though nothing had been ordered by a court. My ex's mom was the person to pick Cody up and drop him back off to me. That quickly did not work. She'd bring Cody back 2-3 hours later than agreed upon on a school night with no explanation except "oh we lost track of time." She was continually lying to me. So I stopped the visitation and told them they needed visitation with a court's jurisdiction.
Christmas time rolled around and the calls and e-mails were coming in from my ex-MIL. I point-blank told her Cody was going nowhere and to basically f off. The next day, police coincidentally were at my house. Turns out I had an old warrant that I thought had been taken care of. For domestic violence (my part was self-defense!), I had been ordered 25 hours of community service. I completed it. I gave the paperwork to my ex to turn in since I did not drive at that time and he worked right around the corner from the courthouse. I don't know if he didn't turn it in because A. he didn't care B. he knew he'd need to use it against me later on or I'd like to think it's option C. that he just simply forgot. Anyhoo, the judge took pity on me and dismissed everything. But like I said it's coincidence I get into it with his mom one night and the next morning the police get an anonymous call from someone about the warrant.
As soon as that happened, we got our first visit from child services. For abuse against Cody. The investigator came out and in the end she realized it was pure BS. Even after interviewing Cody. She also stated if there was anything else we ever needed, don't hesitate to call her. I'll get to the next contact with her later.
Since Cody was not seeing his dad nor being brainwashed by him, things went back to normal and was peaceful for a long time. We started being a true family again.
My ex filed for divorce in Feb 2010 after the paternity test on the baby came back that ROB was the baby's father. Something we all knew anyways.
At that time, the family dynamic was still in place. We bought a camper and started camping every weekend. The kids loved it. Cody ate that up, being outdoors. Rob showed him how to fish. We'd have time around the campfire roasting marshmallows and just having fun. I was also completing school, something I always wanted to do when I was married to my ex but he never allowed me to do because he didn't want me making more money than him.
My ex and I both took a class called A-OK (Assisting Our Kids) which focuses on not putting the kids in the middle of a divorce. I took everything the people said to heart but I knew my ex never would. Also, we both spoke to a court counselor separately and it would be their recommendation of who would have custody of Cody. Naturally, I was recommended as the custodial parent.
Then it happened. The court granted visitation of Cody with my ex. I tried as hard as I could to fight it. I either wanted sole custody of Cody or supervised visitation. My attorney refused to even argue my case for me. He said the courts hear these things all the time and while my case was legit and I have proof, they can't decide what's a true concern and what isn't because they hear so much BS from other people. I remember crying to my attorney in a private room, BEGGING him to do something. He said he couldn't do anything. I'm sure he could. I told him this was going to end badly and that this is the worst thing that could happen. He assured me everything was going to be ok. Riiiiiiight.
So visitation started. Cody's 2nd grade year at school also started. He started off the school year amazingly.
We also bought a new home, in the same neighborhood. Just bigger, newer and nicer. I decorated Cody's room in CARS, his favorite movie. In a short time, he destroyed TWO sets of blinds and put the pieces down the vent. He tore a hole in his wall. He was sneaking food in his room and leaving banana peels and wrappers in there. We took everything out of his room except his mattress, bedding and clothes. He was grounded to his room for a month. He was allowed to come out to eat, get something to drink, use the restroom, bathe and go to school. The rest of the time he was in his room <hopefully> thinking about what he did wrong.
Around his birthday, his grounding was up. We had a party for Cody. He was doing ok. For about 4 days. One night, Rob let him sit in the "man den" which is our heated shed and watch a movie he had been looking forward to on TV. He kept coming in every 5 minutes to tell me this or that about the movie. Never once did he use the bathroom. Rob went outside and realized Cody was soaked all the way down to his feet. He also realized his recliner was soaked. Yep, Cody was too lazy to get up to go to the bathroom and had urinated all over himself and the shed.
At the same time, we noticed a foul smell coming from his room. Upon further investigating, we realized he was peeing the bed and had torn apart his mattress to hide toys in it from us. We threw away that mattress and now he sleeps on Wyatt's old crib mattress, since we co-sleep with Wyatt. Before he tore the mattress up and urinated all over it, the mattress was in PERFECT condition.
So the behavior issues were continuing. I had also been trying to get him some help. I tried our county MR/DD. We were denied because he only met 2 out of the 3 criteria for services through them. Remember the child services caseworker who said if we needed anything else to call her? I did. Her solution was to call our pediatrician who does not do anything with behavior issues and does not even prescribe meds for ADD/ADHD. Their solution was to take him to the developmental pediatrician I had taken Cody to when he was 3 because the regular pediatrician thought he might be autistic. This doctor was essentially useless in the past. I really had nowhere else that would deal with children this age for mental health. I also called the school guidance counselor who said for me to call the pediatrician
Back to square one.
Cody expressed he wanted to go live with his father and we started thinking that might be the best thing for him. Rob and I talked to my ex and he stated he wanted custody of Cody. We had a meeting with my attorney and we told him we were going to let Cody go live with his dad. My attorney advised against this idea saying it would be hard for me to obtain custody of him ever again. I just now realize my attorney didn't want to do any actual work or make any changes to the current visitation schedule.
We had told my ex then to just get this divorce finalized and we would file for him to gain custody after the fact. That we really didn't need our attorneys and we would just go through the juvenile court. My ex agreed. HA! We had another court hearing and he had to open his mouth about it to his attorney. So they weren't willing to agree to anything to finalize the divorce. I pulled him aside (with the permission of my attorney) and told him for now we will have shared parenting...one week on, one week off...until we could do this. That seemed to satisfy him and his attorney and we agreed to a meeting in my attorney's office the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. Also, we had a final divorce date set for January 28, 2011. But if we could agree on the terms of the divorce, we might be able to get it on the record and finalized before then.
I had parent/teacher conference with Cody's teacher last month. She said he was lying, not completing his work, being a disruption in class. I told her about our behavior issues at home too. We realized all this started around the time his dad started being able to see him. She said she was going to talk to him and let him know her concerns.
The Tuesday before Thanksgiving, we were ready for the meeting. An hour and a half before the meeting, my attorney calls me and says he has an eye exam that he "forgot" about an eye exam he had scheduled and he would get ahold of opposing counsel to reschedule, for sometime after Thanksgiving. We never heard from him again.
On Monday November 29th I am on my way to take Wyatt for his 15 month appointment with the pediatrician. I receive a phone call from child services. The school called them on us.
The allegations are: we LOCK Cody in his bedroom, Marissa shoots him with an airsoft gun and that Rob and I beat him.
The investigator comes out and sees none of the stuff is taking place and even goes to this kids schools to interview the kids.
The gun in question he was shot with? A nerf foam dart gun he had received for his birthday. Later that night Cody, Rob and Marissa were having a play nerf fight and Cody got shot in the eye. Total accident. The playing stopped, I looked at him and he was fine. No bruise or redness even. It was foam for pete's sake!
Yesterday I received a letter from my attorney. With it is a filing by opposing counsel for a guardian ad litem to be appointed for Cody because Cody has "expressed" to the school allegations of abuse and neglect. A hearing for the matter has been set for January 14, 2011. So that means while all this is going on, it's going to prolong the divorce even more!
I now realize I can't live like this. The rest of my family can't live like this. I have other children to think about. I have a fiance to think about.
Whether I have custody and my ex has visitation or he has custody and I have visitation...my ex is still going to be able to mess with me and my life through Cody. He's never going to get over me. He wants to see my life and relationship with Rob crumble. He thinks doing this I have no choice but to go back to him.
I have now decided to give Scott permanent custody of Cody. This is the most agonizing thing I have ever decided to do. I have been crying nonstop over this. I don't want to do this. But what's next? My ex and Cody claiming someone is sexually abusing him and one of us going to jail? Because that would be the only thing to top this allegation.
I just don't see any other choice. The mental health community won't do anything for us. The courts won't do anything for us. My attorney won't do anything for us.
I feel so trapped and alone. But I don't know what else to do.
Like I said, please don't bash me. Don't judge me. I just needed to get this out and tell someone. I don't have any family I can talk to. And I don't want someone trying to talk me out of this either.
I told Rob I am calling my attorney tomorrow and I want a FACE-TO-FACE meeting with him to tell him my decision. I want my attorney to see the agony on my face. I want him to see me breaking down crying because every time I talk about it or even think about it, that's what I do. I have tears streaming down my face right now. I never thought I would give up one of my children.
I love Cody sooooooo much. I truly wish it didn't come down to this. I love all my children. That's why I have to do this. I have other children I need to think about.
Thank you KimberlyD0 for my absolutely beautiful siggy!
View Public Profile
Visit Chunky Monkey's homepage!
Find all posts by Chunky Monkey