new here and very conflicted about being done or not (LONG post, sorry)
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February 22nd, 2011, 12:20 AM
Join Date: Feb 2011
I am new here, and I am so confused about being done or not
If you read all this, thanks, if not, I Understand
I am in a huge muddle and appreciate any advice or experience you care to share. Please bear with me, since below is the seesaw I am on about it all, and my feelings in this situation, background, etc.
I am a SAHM to a 2 1/2 year old DD who is a doll and a dream of a girl and everything I ever hoped a little girl would be. DH (38) and I (32) have been married for 8 years this August. We waited to have kids, and started TTC when we felt ready financially, etc. DD was the result
Pregnancy wasn't bad, no major issues, I felt great and very active.
Our birth experience was a nightmare. I went natural, and I had already discussed this with my OB, birth plan and all. Unfortunately, my OB decided to push pain meds on me and scrap my birth wishes, even though I was handling the pain and not even making noise or having any issues. The entire 36 hour labor felt like a massive power struggle between him playing God and me trying to stick to my guns while being beyond exhausted and in pain. DH did not get very involved in this and stick up for me and I felt abandoned by him too. One of the nurses even finally had a fight with the OB and got him to back off. I have never felt so helpless, stressed, angry and frustrated in all my life. I ended up with a massive tear and a big episiotomy (OB's way of punishing me? I still wonder) Sex was agony for 6 months. We would try, and I would have to stop after a few minutes in tears of pain. I felt like such a failure and such a disappointment, even though DH was very loving and understanding and never pushed me. I wanted to be with him so badly, but it felt like I had raw flesh there, no amount of willpower could make me stick it out. All in all, I felt horrible after it all, like something so beautiful was so distorted and twisted into an ugly battle.
DH was one of 6, I was an only child. When we married, I agreed that I wanted 2 or 3, but now I am not sure. As an only, I have no clue how you manage multiple kids. It seemed easy as pie to tlak about it as a clueless newlywed, now that I have BTBD, I know how hard it is. When I think back on how little sleep I got and what a zombie I was, I just feel drained. I love playing with my DD, and I don't know if I can meet her needs, my needs, and a baby's needs without going insane. We are financially sound with her, with 2 it would be shaky. I like to have a nest egg for emergencies, and I hate living by the seat of my pants. I also want to be able to help her with college, etc, and I don't know if I could help 2. I guess I want to be able to give her the kind of helping start my parents gave me. DH did not have any help from his family, so he doesn't always understand that. My life was also always financially stable (not even remotely rich, but not living paycheck to paycheck either), his was rocky as a kid. He is more used to it, it makes me terrified. I cannot send my child to school with broken shoes mended with cardboard the way his mom did.
DH makes enough for me to stay home, but I buy our clothes at the Goodwill, make all our food from scratch, and raise our own chickens and fruits and veggies to stretch the budget. We do not have cable/dish or cell phones or other frills, other than high speed internet. This leaves us enough for occassional treats or extras, like ice cream out or a trip to the zoo. We have a contented life, but it is hard work. I'm not sure if I can pinch our pennies hard enough if we have another one, and I'm not sure I could even juggle the work I do now and 2 kids. I am so scared I will be a burnt out old woman before I hit 40. We haven't saved for retirement since she was born, other than his employer's contributions. If she stays an only, I can go back to work part time in 3 years when she is in school full time. That will help us a lot. If we have another child, I won't be able to go back until I am 38 or 39 and DH is 46 or so. Right now we are three paychecks away from real trouble. And a huge chunk of me is just in horror of undergoing another birth like DD's. I never want to feel that abandoned and helpless again.
But I keep thinking about what we would name another baby, and what I would embroider for her/his crib set and what the baby might look like. Part of me aches to think that this thing I got ready for throughout my whole life to this point, of getting married and having little babies, is over. I keep hanging onto DD's baby gear "just in case." And I wish DD had a sibling so that she wasn't the only living member of her immediate family when DH and I are gone someday. Part of me feels like I should just stop worrying about our future and money, etc, and take a chance, but part of me is too **** practical too. I feel like an awful wife, since I had said I wanted more when we married, as if I duped DH somehow, but how on earth was I supposed to know as a stupid 23 year old wet behind the ears newlywed how I would feel as a 32 year old mom? DH says he can accept it if I really want to be done, but I believe he will always have regrets if we only have 1. And that breaks my heart. I want so badly to give him what he wants, and what I agreed to, but I am so scared it will break me to do it. I am so scared I'll regret not having another one, but I am also scared that we'll have another one and then regret it.
I feel so very mixed up about it all, I can't get it out of my head, it just goes around and around: should we or shouldn't we, should we or shouldn't we. How did you ladies know when it was time to have another or be done? I am so tired of this merry-go-round in my head, of weighing pros and cons and going back and forth
It is keeping me from enjoying life, I feel so torn and guilty and confused.
If you read this far, thanks. Sorry it was so long, but it is messy and I couldn't condense it. Thanks for an insight you can share.
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