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April 27th, 2011, 01:05 AM
tryingtohealavolcano tryingtohealavolcano is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
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I have a long history of miscarriages (ranging from 4-14 weeks development) the most recent happening almost 2 wks ago. I have a sweet husband and 3 beautiful children (13, 9 and 2) and a broken heart from yrs of burying the disappointment, pain and anger deep inside. this last m/c is the only one I have allowed anyone to really know about or be a part of in anyway. Even my husband has been kept at arms length and usually finds out about things months after it has happened (part of my survival tactics over the yrs). This time my husband was determined to do things differently and to NOT recreate the wheel, hoping it would help me (and some of the family) to get to a better place.
Each m/c has started the same way... I realize/determine I am indeed prego, within a short time, sometimes just hrs (except this last one) the vomiting, body aches, and cramping starts. I always know what is coming and just prepare for the next several hrs by telling everyone I don't feel good, taking some pain medication and heading to bed. Aside from trips to the bathroom and back to bed I just sleep, pretend to sleep and turn things over to my body and hold on for the ride. I have been lucky in that the physical pain has been minimal (with help from loratab) and I have not had any real trouble (and have even hidden it from those I live with) until this preg.
I told hubby as soon as I confirmed it (a wk after I realized it) who insisted we tell all the family right away. We didn't plan on having more and only had sex once (our anniversary) about 4 days before I would start my "clock work" period. I tried to be excited about everything and allowed myself to hope and dream for this sweet little one. We tried to pick names and settled on a boy's while still working for a girl's. I started figuring out what I would need since space and funds are limited and got excited about the family visiting for Thanksgiving just weeks after my due date. Trying to be excited and allowing myself to hope and dream (when I knew in my heart things were not right) made it harder and the roller coaster of emotions and events just that much more difficult to endure.
I was trying to take it easy knowing that the beginning was a hard time for me but at the same time delaying finding a local OB because I was worried and yet knew there was nothing they can do to change anything. I started cramping and spotting Fri evening (9 wks) and hubby insisted on the ER, the ultrasound said things were a couple weeks behind (yolk sac but nothing else). 2 wks of bedrest and blood tests and waiting confirmed that my hcg's were dropping and it was just a waiting game. I pushed myself trying to "take care of my family and be a real mom again" trying to take my mind off of things and not wanting to deal with the reality and telling the family.
Everything started out like before but this time I stood up and would have said my "water broke" except that it was worse. The bleeding was intense and the cramping just kept increasing. I got in the shower to clean off but ended up spending most of my time there. After about 4 hrs of intense pain and very heavy bleeding with alot of clots and clumps I told my mom I needed to go to the ER and to wake hubby. I was weak and light headed, the pain was getting worse and I was getting scared. (hubby was worried hrs earlier but my dad convinced him to trust me to know what I needed and let them know when I felt something was wrong since I was the only one who had dealt with this before)
It took hrs at the hospital to get bloodtests and ultrasounds and bring the hospital staff up to speed with us. Several doses of morphine did nothing for me and it took forever to be able to get more. After 12 hrs they got the bleeding to slow down and got the meds to help the pain at which point I slept until everything finally stopped. I was extremely close to needing a blood transfusion and am grateful it didn't come to that. I had my other kids naturally (2 were even born at home...no drugs at all) but this was the hardest thing and far worse in comparison. The text book explaination was (missed miscarriage) that it took alot longer from the baby dying to my body expelling it that it made things much more severe than ever before. Logically it makes sence but emotionally it doesn't help at all.
This m/c I reached a changing point that has pushed me to heal the yrs of broken heart and anger (the erupting volcano that is my heart) I have spent days writing and trying to "let out" everything that was buried or hiding inside. I am slowly healing and know that I can change things and one day after alot of time and work I will be able to come to terms with all that has happened. I wish that having told the family had made some magical difference with a couple specific people but it hasn't and probably never will. I hope that one day I will have healed enough that they are no longer able to hurt me like they have all these years.
I don't know if we will consider having another one or that we will ever understand the cause/reason behind all of these but I do see a light at the end of the tunnel that I never saw before. I know I am stronger because of this and am coming to appreciate how it has changed me. My heart goes out to each of you that has experienced such a loss and pray that your heart will heal, leaving you forever changed for the better.
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