Stepparenting and relationships?
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June 3rd, 2011, 12:59 PM
Brighteyed & Caffeinated
Join Date: Apr 2010
I'm pretty much at the point of being stuck. I don't know what else to do to try and fix my situation, at this point I am very doubtful of it ever changing though.
I've been married to Dh for 15 months now. Our home is the primary residence for his 3.5 year old child. The birth mother has just been given interim access every Sunday for two hours; step-daughter has now seen her birth mother twice since June 2008.
I've been raising step-daughter since she was 18 months old; she is now 41 months old.
Step-daughter does very well in my care and in the care of her daycare; she acts age-appropriate in most situations, aside from her speech/language and personal/social skills. She completes tasks given to her with minimal help and carries on through her day with not much problem. I like being around her when it is just us moving through our day.
Dh understands that she is delayed in some areas of her development, but continues to "baby" her. She has him very wrapped around her finger tightly. When he is home, she can not carry out any tasks on her own and requires his help with everything that she does. There is not a minute of time where she is not climbing on him, hanging off of him, or acting like a baby.
Dh gives in to her behavior 100%, although he knows that she is fully-capable of acting her age as opposed to acting like a baby. He feels that if she is asking for his help, then he must give it. Even though she completes these tasks on her own throughout the day with minimal assistance if any, and completes them very well for her age. He seems to have no problem encouraging her to be completely helpless when he is around.
He puts in so much effort to adhearing to every whim and demand that she has, that he says that he is too busy and she takes up all of time - and therefore, can not have a relationship with me. He says that children come first.
He feels that we have our jobs. He is out there busting his *** making us money and supporting our household, while I stay home doing my wifely duties and raising his child.
We now have an 8 week old baby together. I had hoped that this baby would help us mesh our family together, but instead this house is completely divided - dh and step-daughter/son and I.
From the time he walks in the door until the time she goes to bed, he is 100% hers. On Saturday and Sunday, he is 100% hers.
I really want a family. But I want to feel like I am loved and belong here. I feel more like a roomate/housekeeper/nannny type thing.
I don't know what to do. I want this to work, but I don't see any possible way of it happening. I also have a baby to look out for now and raise the best way I can. I want my son to grow and develop in a family with healthy boundaries, healthy relationships, and of coarse, lots of love and attention. I want him to have a bond with his parents, but not have a bond that is so overbearing that it becomes an obsession or an addiction.
ETA: while we've only been married for 15 months, we have been living together for 2 years. This has been an ongoing situation that has been going on for as long as I remember.
C, mommy to:
4 kids - 3 with feet, 1 with wings
Last edited by mommy2olliebeans; June 3rd, 2011 at
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