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June 28th, 2011, 04:25 PM
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ladyastraea ladyastraea is offline
Froggy in my pocket! :o
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,039
I wanted to start one of these. I'm not sure how long I'll have it or how often I'll update it, but I need somewhere else to vent so I don't share my negativity publicly so often. I figure this is great because people can choose not to read it.

It's been 417 days since I came off of the pill and so that makes 417 days without a "real" period. I think if I actually see red blood again I may pass out lol. I haven't seen that at all since I was a teenager. AF has always been hell for me though; I started getting her when I was 9. I remember being that young and wishing for so many years to never see her again, and now that I'm 26 I'm wishing more than ever she'd just come back. I've always wished she'd just show up when I think she will though. Funny how life changes that way.

I think I'll start Provera this weekend. Tested yesterday, BFN, no surprises there and I doubt that's going to change. Hurrah for anovulatory cycles! This month has been absolute hell. I've been in complete and total pain from cramps and "fibrocystic changes" since CD12, and now I have a fever so I have no idea what my real temps look like. Onward, to month 14!

I really want to call my doctor and beg for Clomid, but I doubt they'll give it to me before I get my day 21 P level. I just want to have my turn already. This month turned out so great for so many people on JM and I'm finding it more and more difficult to just be happy for them and not outrageously jealous. Not the girls on here though. I'm psyched for them because they deserve it. It gives me a little hope too.

On Friday I had a total mental breakdown. I think it started around the time I asked my husband to take me to a spa for a full facial wax. Yeah, that was it, typing that alone hurts. Little bit TMI but my husband and I were having some us time the other day and he mentioned getting me pregnant and I almost stopped him to go cry. What's more upsetting is how it definitely ruined the mood for me. I'm tired of having pity parties, but they're so hard to avoid.

In happier news. I think everyone needs a pet iguana. It's the strangest thing, but he's been the most accurate predictor of when I start spotting. Even better than temping and counting days (or wearing a liner for three weeks straight with nothing. So wasteful!) He gets really angry and tries to jump on me, then the next day, BAM! Animals are so nuts.

My next appointment is on August 3rd. I'm chomping at the bit to get there. I'll find out then if I'm going on clomid or getting a HSG. The doctor wanted me to just go to an RE right away, maybe I shouldn't have turned her down. :/ She seems to think the provera's going to make my body function and next month will be my month. For reasons everyone here understands, I'm LESS than optimistic. I just want to know what will happen if I get a decent P level on CD21 and the HSG is clear. It's still been well over a year that we've been trying. I don't want to keep going like this every month without regular cycles or knowing when or if I'm going to O. What'll they do then? Monitor me? CD3 testing? Leave me alone so I can keep tearing my hair out every month when I come up BFN? Maybe they'll ship me to the RE anyway because they can't figure out what to do.

Thinking about all this makes me just want to quit trying all together and resign myself to being childless. It hurts so much, especially that I can't picture myself ever being a mother anymore. I miss that dream, I want it back.
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Last edited by ladyastraea; September 26th, 2011 at 12:50 AM.
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