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July 10th, 2011, 02:49 PM
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Lynchburg, VA
I've been stalking this lovely board for the past couple of months and thought I should be braver and (re)introduce myself. It's been almost exactly two years since I last made a post here.
I have known my DH, Blake, since we were 3 years old. I've been in love with him since I was 18. He is my soulmate, my confidante, the best man I have ever known and he has saved my life, literally, on more than one occasion. I always imagined I would be able to give him children.
We started hoping for 'an accident' long before we finally tagged in the physicians and two more long years passed - months marked by dozens upon dozens of tests, scans, needles, pills, hormones, hot flashes, sleepless nights, guilt, anger and grief - before finally, we had to walk away. It was done but not forgotten and it wasn't too long before one of us finally said 'adoption' out loud.
We did the research. Thought about it. Talked about it. Prayed about it. Agonized over it. In the midst of it all, my sister welcomed her first perfect, beautiful little girl into the world and I learned the meaning of 'love at first sight.' As we drove home from the hospital the following day, hearts full to breaking, we both knew it would not matter if our child shared our DNA or not. So we made the call, officially submitted our application and spent the next six months working with an amazing social worker until finally it was done. We were approved to foster-to-adopt. "Paper pregnant," scared to death and over the moon all at the same time.
They are absolutely correct when they say that fostering an older child is not for the weak of heart. It takes courage, faith, love - and a lot of it. It takes an entire village of family and friends watching your back and quite possibly, the strength to let your heart be broken, repeatedly. After what was without a doubt the most painful year of our lives, we chose not to renew our foster license and we told everyone we were done, really and truly done, and we meant it, I think, at least for a little while. We had to let ourselves grieve everything we'd lost.
A very dear, close friend once said, "we will carve this child from light and sky if we have to," and she has no idea how much those words have meant to me over the years, for I cannot give up. Our son or daughter may be as elusive as light and sky, but they are real to me, as real as the air I breathe and if there is even a glimmer of hope that I might one day hold them in my arms, that I might watch them fall asleep on my husband's broad shoulder - that we might yet meet our child - well then, the journey continues. For now, we are paying off all unnecessary bills and saving up the money to complete our Home Study. Once that is done, we hope to work with the CCAI agency to adopt internationally, either from Ethiopia or China.
I apologize for the long post. Truly want to thank you all for sharing your encouraging stories here. You have no idea how much hope you give to others, even if they're just lurking.
Jessa, married to Blake these past fourteen years. Beginning the adoption process.
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