Abby's Ventastic TTC#1 Journal (No longer TTC)
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July 20th, 2011, 02:05 PM
Froggy in my pocket! :o
Join Date: Jun 2011
The stuff with the doctor yesterday was the most stressful thing I've dealt with in a very long time. I finally got my AC back on, I got all our bills paid, everything was going so excellent... then the nurse called me back.
The doctor decided just to refer me straight to an RE. She didn't even want to consider that maybe the 5-day dose wasn't enough for me. She didn't want to listen to me that I thought I O'd. No. They were firm. It HAD to be day 21. I don't have a 28 day cycle even IF my crap is working right, what a load of horse ****. My insurance doesn't cover an RE, so, at this point... I'd be done. I can't afford to pay out of pocket for any of this, which was my original fear going into this when DH and I decided to go ahead and try. I'd always been horrified of them telling me "IVF is your only option." So horrified it made me put off TTC for 3 whole years. Sitting in this situation now is the most painful and uncomfortable experience of my entire life. The idea that...unless DH goes active duty, we have no chance of ever having children, it makes me want to just give up everything. He doesn't want to do that and I don't want to make him do it.
I broke down into tears when I got off the phone with that lady. I was so hurt and defeated... I couldn't think of anything else. I tried to beg and plead with her that maybe my lining is just thin because I don't O' and maybe the spotting I had before I started taking the provera was the only lining I had so when I took it nothing was there to shed. I explained to her I had the first CLEAR biphasic I've seen since June '10 and I was sure I O'd. I was absolutely positive, and can't they just give me bloodwork or SOMETHING, not just throw me out without trying anything at all. She said she'd talk to the doctor and if she wants to do anything else she'd call me, but if not, I wouldn't hear from them again. I felt myself die a little inside. It's hard enough being surrounded by everyone saying "it's so easy" when your doctor is telling you you're so complicated it's not worth her time.
DH called the patient advocates, he called the clinic, he called the RE&I clinic just to make ABSOLUTELY SURE they don't cover us. He was on the phone for an hour, blue in the face from yelling about how crushed I was by their treatment of me. Then he took me out for ice cream and tried to calm me down. He's my rock, he really is.
They called back while we were out, and said the doctor agreed to go ahead and do FSH/Estrogen/HCG then on the 3rd they wanted me to do the progesterone draw. I called the nurse back and demanded to know why they were still treating me like I hadn't O'd, and she said she didn't know and it sounded wrong to her as well. Getting a P draw on August 3rd would be my CD3 IF my cycle works out that way, and that makes zero sense. She suggested I get it all done at once since I think my "Day-21" will be Friday, then come and discuss the results with her on August 3rd.
I want to make a list of my complaints to this doctor. I feel as if I'm being treated unfairly because she never even bothered to confirm my PCOS and just started treating me as if I have premature ovarian failure or something, like I have no eggs and I need a specialist, which is absolute ****ing bull****.
Okay, I know it's odd that I got this shift after that provera. I know it's not normal, but, she could at least test to confirm my suspicion instead of saying it isn't possible. I'm printing out my chart for her the next time I go in there so she can see for herself what horse**** that is. So many of the girls on here have told me 5 days is unheard of, and 7 days almost doesn't work for a lot of people. She didn't even want to give it a second go. I specifically asked her what the hell I should do in this situation, and she didn't say one way or the other then, even though she told me to go ahead and count the spotting as a period since "it's the only thing we have to go off of right now." I may just f'ing lie outright to her if I spot instead of getting a full bleed this time and tell her I had a light flow for three days so she can get her head out of her butt and start treating me like a human being and not an annoying issue that she doesn't feel like tackling.
So on the third... here's my list:
-I'm CD??, I had your b/w done all at what would be 7-dpo for me. What the heck do they say about my LP since I finally O'd at 43-dpo. Are my levels normal or not for LP, and I swear if she tries to consider that as a CD3 draw I'll raise hell with the patient advocates.
-Is my progesterone to estrogen ratio normal, because I hear a lot of the reason girls get Fibrocystic Breasts is because they're progesterone deficient and that apparently is common in PCOS'ers. While I was on the provera they went away, and the intensity lessened right after I O'd. I at least want her to do another progesterone draw at what will be CD21 for me at that time, so we can be certain about it in her book and she can continue on with what she thinks is right.
-I want to try and convince her to let me try clomid just for a couple of months to see if it shortens my cycle and helps with getting AF on time. If I don't get this, I'm going on soy and I'm getting vitex and trying to do this naturally because I will not just give up my dream.
-I want a second opinion. I want another doctor in there right then that I can talk to or as soon as I can to find out what they think about this situation because honestly I don't trust her because she doesn't seem to trust me.
-I demand she does everything for me that's possible in her book of doing things rather than kicking me out the door because of ONE failed provera challenge. Or at LEAST give me another provera challenge for 10 days instead of 5... like holy crap. I feel like I should have just gotten the refill and done it myself instead of listening to her, or at least have taken it right away instead of waiting til the first week of June like an idiot.
I know I sound like a pushy *****, but you know what? I'll have been waiting 15 ****** months by the time I get in there. I know some girls have been waiting 2-3 years plus. I know my older sister waited 5. I just don't feel like going through with this runaround over and over anymore, and I don't want to be in that category of waiting 2-3 years. I deserve to be treated equally, and not like some untreatable patient because I have PCOS and my body functions strangely compared to the textbook 28-girls. After this I'm seriously planning on going to the front desk and asking for a fresh set of ears to talk to, I'm so irrationally annoyed with her.
DH has been nothing but supportive, thankfully. I try so hard not to outright rage at all of this, especially for his sake, but it's just not possible not to be so angry. I was crying that we couldn't afford an RE and it'd never happen and we'd just never be parents. He told me we'd make it work. We'd find a way and we'd make it work, even if it required tons of BD. I told him there's no point in BD if there's no egg to catch, and he just frowned and said we'd make it happen somehow. My temps yesterday were disappointing but they went way up today, even after the air was fixed. I'm hoping they stay up there and I don't have a short LP.
The first month after my pill I had only a 9-10 day LP and I got a pretty decent bleed of brown blood with no clots. It was horribly horribly painful though. I'm hoping some time next week I either see that again or nothing and get my bfp and I never have to think about this crap again... unless something goes wrong, and I don't even want to consider that right now
All I know is, if I do wind up getting a bfp... I'm not making a ticker until 12 weeks, hell, I don't even want to tell anyone. I don't want to jinx it.
Thanks Maggie831 for the awesome siggy! You rock!
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