Flip-Flopping and devestated and then feeling guilty about being devestated
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August 10th, 2011, 10:22 PM
Join Date: Aug 2011
I am a 34 year old woman who has always dreamed of having children. I've been with my boyfriend for five years and we absolutely LOVE our life together without children so far. We have really enjoyed the freedoms that we have when we see all of our friends "locked down". We travel, we go to wineries and breweries, we stay out late and we wake up when we want (on weekends of course). We have recently discussed the fact that given my age we would like plan for a child in about two years or so, after we have found a house (we are still renting) and gotten married. He has been saving for an engagement ring and we already planned our wedding at an adults only resort in Mexico. I recently enrolled back into school full time to finish my Bachelors degree (I have about two years left) and I have had an extremely promising interview in my field of choice after a 1.5 year stint of unemployment. My world was finally looking so positive, my life was starting to take off in ways I had always dreamed of. I wanted more than anything to get married and then start a family, within the next few years. However, three days ago I just found out that I am pregnant. I always dreamed that moment would be filled with absolute elation for me, planned or unplanned but I found myself completely devastated. I felt like my life was over. People keep saying "but another one is beginning" but I don't want it to yet.. I'm not ready for it yet. It's not that I don't want this baby, I just want it two years from now. I am only 5 weeks as of today and I know it's early and anything can happen so I'm just taking it day by day. I have considered medical abortion but even the thought of doing that makes me cry so hard.. it also brings a sense of relief but I can't see myself living well with that decision after the fact... yet, I'm not ready to be a mom yet. In my family, the women get so extremely sick for the entire 9 months that I'm afraid this is going to destroy my chance at this new job and my whole life. I am so overwhelmed and filled with SO much guilt that this is how I am reacting to all of this. I want to be over the moon and filled with joy but I find myself sobbing through most of the day. At night I begin to accept it and get excited almost, but then in the morning I want no part of it again. I am all over the place and I don't know ANYONE who has been through this before. At my age I feel like if I got rid of it for my 'perfect plans' and then tried again in 2 years and couldn't get pregnant I'd be devastated all over again. As of right now I think we are just going to let nature take it's course and see what happens. I know many women have miscarriages early so maybe I'm even getting way too ahead of myself but I feel terrible even saying that would be an "out" out of this whole thing. I don't know if how I"m feeling is normal and if it gets better after I have some time to get used to the idea (it's only been three days). My boyfriend feels exactly the same as I do, that we aren't really ready but that sometimes things happen and you have to adapt. He is supportive either way I decide but I am physically and mentally unable to make this choice. I feel stuck, scared, guilty, sad, disappointed and sometimes excited. The sad/scared and disappointed part is much more pronounced and I don't want it to be anymore. I want to feel like I always thought I would about this time in my life... elated. I just can't seem to get there yet though because I'm severely morning the loss of my former life. It's changed forever
..... It's only been three days since I found out.. I hope this agony gets better soon. I'm just looking for any advice/support from others who are in or have been in the same position as me. Thanks.
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