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August 26th, 2011, 10:26 AM
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ladyastraea ladyastraea is offline
Froggy in my pocket! :o
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,039
I think I'm definitely crying for both reasons, because I'm happy for her and because I want to be with her. I got a real false positive on a test yesterday, and I felt so ecstatic when I saw it, but, my better senses kept me in line. I knew that couldn't have been possible somehow, and I was right. I hate POAS so much, I'm never doing it again, I swear to god.

I'm so heartbroken right now, because I know after AF shows up I'm just going to be reminded over and over that my cycle buddy graduated and I didn't, not purposely, or not as if anyone's trying to make me feel bad, but I will feel sad and alone. I know everyone keeps saying I'll get my BFP soon and it's my time, but, part of me thinks I'll be congratulating them long before anything happens with me. At this point, I'm almost sure there's no way it's ever going to happen.

I turn the year and a half mark of TTC next month, and I know they've just now got me reliably O'ing with the clomid and it's the first month, and I get six tries, etc, etc. I hate extending it, I hate drawing it out. I know I'm not pregnant, so I wish there was just a button I could hit to start my next cycle tomorrow. Why does this have to be so stupid and complicated? Maybe I do just need a break.

I guess I wanted so badly to be pg this month, because the hard tests are coming up next. They'll do a SA on DH first, I believe, then I'm going in for an HSG. I didn't want to do the HSG :/ I'm horrified I'll be told "sorry, the plumbing is clogged, it's just not going to happen for you without IVF." I'm terrified I'll be told DH has no count or no tails or they're stupid and swim in circles. Given my history though, I'm more likely the culprit. My first BF that I tried to get PG with has five kids, so, I somehow doubt he was the problem in that relationship. Something's broken in there. I'm scared to find out what. I can't afford to fix anything.
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