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September 2nd, 2011, 08:55 AM
Join Date: Sep 2011
I just found out via a home pregnancy test a couple days ago that I am pregnant- though I had a strong feeling I was even before the tests due to swollen breasts and extreme nauseousness just to name a few. I have told my boyfriend and I have a called a clinic and I have an appointment for ultrasound/counseling on Wednesday- but that seems like a lifetime from now and I just needed to hear some words of advice.
I am 27 and my boyfriend and I been together (we were once engaged and then broke up for a little over a year) basically since we were 16. He is nervous but very excited and wants to keep the baby, he just knows "everything will be alright". I on the other hand am not so optimistic. I feel like to have this child is absolutely irresponsible of us. Neither of us really has anything to call our own. We live at home with our parents, work part time, he has a car but I do not, and our parents support us heavily financially. I have nothing to offer this child other than love which honestly is not enough because that doesn't provide housing, health insurance, transportation, food, etc. And while abortion seems to be ideal- its by no means an easy decision to make. I don't even know how heavy I want to think on that option right now- I'm just so freaked out it seems like it would be better if this whole situation went away. I am having a hard time accepting the idea that a child is blessing- this wasn't an accident. It's the result of what happens when you have unprotected sex and a sperm meets an egg, that's the science of it. Not really a mystery or miracle in my mind.
We have been using birth control but when I quit my full time job I could no longer afford the ring and made a switch to the pill. We basically didn't wait long enough to let the new pills do their thing and that's how this happened. I haven't told anyone! For one, I'm too ashamed and mad at myself. I already know my family will not be supportive and it hurts enough to just know that in my mind- I don't want to actually experience the pain of it being a reality. Also, if i do decide to go with the abortion I don't want to be judged or looked at like a monster. When I think of having the baby v. having an abortion both decisions leave me sick to my stomach. I grew up with stability and the opportunity to be in Girl Scouts, dance classes, go on field trips and other extra things because my parents were financially ready for a child and I think its unfair if I am not able to give the same to my child.
I just don't feel ready- not ready for the changes my body will go through, this past month has been hell and I have missed a lot of work that I cannot afford to keep missing. Not ready to think about someone other than myself. I just got my passport and in the process of getting a visa to start traveling. In a time where jobs are scarce I had the freedom to quit mine to opt for something I LOVE although its only part time because I only had to worry about myself. I want us to be married because we love each other not because we had a child and felt we had too. I don't even really know myself and where I belong in this world and now I'm expected to show someone else the way. I keep thinking of things I won't be able to do or not ready to give up doing- I feel selfish for that
, which is all the more reason I just don't think I am ready to be a mom.
In short- I don't know which way to go or how to sort these emotions.
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