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September 9th, 2011, 02:39 PM
Seattlite Seattlite is offline
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Pacific NW
Posts: 13,880
35 Weeks

A fairly boring week physically. I've been having a lot more BH contractions the last few days, although, by "a lot more" I mean 2-5 a day, not regular, and not painful. So I brought them up at my 35-week appointment today, and the NP said, "Yep, normal." I'm not having any discharge like last week, just the regular stuff, so, everything seems to be on track. No BP issues, no protein or glucose issues in my urine, baby's heart beat at 140 BPM, so, perfectly normal. So basically, nothing interesting to report.

I finally got around to making up a birth plan (which reminds me, I need to send it to my doula!), and shared that with the NP today. She said it looked great to her and she laughed at the part where I had put in, "If I have to have a c-section, I absolutely DO NOT want them to drop the screen to show me the baby coming out. GROSS." The only thing she said might come up is that they may ask to break my bag of waters to help with labor progression, and I'd rather not do that--but she said it's not required that they do that, so if I say no, it's not a big deal. We also talked about how the hospital's policy is to only have one person (in our case, DH) in the operating room if you need a c-sec, and that we've been told that IF the anesthesiologist agrees, you can have a second person in there (our doula) but don't count on it. So we put that in the plan--that we'd like our doula there for emotional support, but we understand it's totally up to the anesthesiologist. She said that sounded OK to her.

Emotionally, well, today is a rough day for me. Here's what I posted in my DDC:

So I was so happy that DH woke up excited yesterday morning about Maggie coming soon...then last night, things turned south. I asked to him to please for pete's sake could he please finally pack his hospital bag that I've been asking him to pack FOREVER. Only, instead of saying it like that, I explained, "It adds to my stress level that you don't have your bag packed. Could you please just pack it?" So he says, "Fine" and starts packing it in a huff, like, stomping around and being telling me in an angry voice about what he was packing, etc.

After putting up with what was obviously some kind of angry tantrum for about 10 minutes, finally I said, "I don't understand why you're mad. I feel like when I express my needs, you get mad at me." And he said, "I'm not mad at you." And I said, "You look angry to me. You're snapping at me, and tossing things around, and banging your arms on your legs like you do when you're angry." So then he said, "It's not you. I just feel like packing the bag means she's going to come right now, and I don't want her to come right now, because if she comes now, she might be in the NICU. I woke up so excited about her having a normal birth and coming home right away, and now I have to be scared again." And I said, "Well, she MIGHT come tonight. I don't think she will, but honestly, I could go into labor at any time now, and if I did go into labor tonight, they wouldn't try to stop it. Isn't it better to be prepared?" And then he said, "When your water broke with Jim and you went off in the ambulance, and I came home to pack a bag, that was a really rough time for me. Packing a bag now brings it all back up for me."

That would be when my brain snapped, and I began crying hysterically. Finally I calmed down enough to say to him, "Do you even have any clue what it was like for me being in that ambulance alone? Being strapped to a stretcher, not knowing what was going to happen, arriving at the hospital, ALONE? And I was alone in that ambulance because WE DIDN'T HAVE A HOSPITAL BAG PACKED YET." Then he got really quiet. Honestly, I don't think he ever considered what that ambulance ride must have been like for me...and I don't think I'd ever expressed to him just how terrifying it was. Then I told him, "I'm sorry my trauma is ruining your excitement, but I really really need you to have your hospital bag packed now." That seemed to snap him out of it, and he went to pack his bag, minus the 'tude.

Sigh. I thought being so close to full term, we'd finally be past some of this stuff. Stupid freakin' PTSD. Most of the time I just suck it up and find ways to get through the trauma from last time, but sometimes, it's just overwhelming. I knew when we decided to have another baby that pregnancy would be just a really crappy time for us emotionally, but I had hoped that by this point, we'd at least have the fear part behind us...but now I'm seeing that it's not going to be behind us until Maggie comes home. I slept really poorly last night, lots of dreams about not being ready for things (not surprisingly!). DH didn't sleep great either.

**Forgot to add: today was my last progesterone shot! Hopefully that means this coming week will be my last 3-days-a-week-of-PMS!
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~Beth in Seattle




Last edited by Seattlite; September 9th, 2011 at 04:34 PM.
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