Can I just cry for a minute?
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November 22nd, 2011, 07:04 PM
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Southern Iowa
I seriously just want to cry. I've pretty much given up on having another baby, and most days I'm okay with that. Now, I think I might have to give up. Through this entire, nearly 6 year process, DH has been my cheerleader, always telling me that no matter what happened, we'd be okay.
Yesterday we were at WalMart waiting to pick up a game that released at midnight. When we went past the baby section I saw this adorable little outfit and instantly said "Who do we know with a itty bitty girl, or one on the way that I can buy this for?" DH got kind of quiet and then said "I always thought we'd be buying for our own one day. It's really kind of looking like that isn't going to happen though, isn't it?" I told him I had basically given up. That I really didn't believe anymore that it would happen. Then I said "We're still okay even if it doesn't right?" Now, I am still looking through the clothes when I asked this, and when he said "maybe" I thought he was teasing. I turned with a grin and said "maybe, huh?" He got quiet, walked around for a minute and then came back and said "yeah.... I think so."
I think so?!? MAYBE?!? What the HELL? So now.... just when I thought things were the best they have ever been, he's questioning things? He points out that I have had kids before, and that he did get his ex pregnant, and maybe things would have been okay there (she terminated the pregnancy and told him it was his fault). Then he says.... "maybe we just aren't supposed to have kids with each other. Maybe we messed up. Maybe we would be happier, and both have kids....with other people."
WHAT.......THE........HELL? Today, he acts like that conversation never happened. I just walked away last night. I was in shock, we were in public, and I didn't know how to react. I don't for an instant believe he is seeing someone else. He doesn't have time. We are both in school, together, and we are together nearly 24 hours a day. The only day we aren't together is Wednesdays, and he is with the kids then.
Ironically enough, part of the reason I want to cry is because maybe walking away wouldn't be such a bad thing. I don't know. I don't know what to think other than that I know I don't want to be with him if he isn't sure he wants to be with me. I don't have anyone else to talk to about this, and I don't even want to talk to him about it right now. After Christmas and the first of the year when the kids are back in school and the holidays are over I am going to DEMAND that we talk about this. I really kind of think that my marriage is over though. And I just want to cry. Not even because it upsets me that bad though...... more because I feel like a loser. I can't get pregnant and stay that way. I can't get married and stay that way. I'm 31 and I've lost 2 husbands, a fiance and 8 babies. What is wrong with me?
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