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December 8th, 2011, 08:42 AM
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shawnamarie1977 shawnamarie1977 is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 18
So I don't really know where to start. I have been diagnosed with OCD and generalized anxiety, along with depression. I've been on meds for years which have helped a lot. I still would struggle with anxiety from time to time but the OCD and depression were, if not suppressed, at least under control. I had to stay on the antidepressant during my pregnancies because if not my OCD would come back full force.

I had my second baby, a daughter, 9 months ago. My first daughter is three years old. My second pregnancy was pretty bad, I suffered from hyper-emesis (where you can't stop throwing up and become dehydrated) and was hospitalized twice, and off work since I was 8 weeks a long. Then when Morgan was born, she was in the NICU for a few days (she had trouble breathing when she was born, couldn't regulate her body temperature, and was born with a rash all over her body that doctors couldn't explain. They finally did figure out what it was and turned out to be a harmless but rare rash that some newborns get). Anyway add that to just giving birth, and being susceptible to depression, and I was back on the anti-anxiety meds.

Morgan has been sick on and off since she was born (mostly colds and stuff). A few months ago she stopped drinking. We have to give her milk from a syringe. I'm barely keeping her hydrated and that alone is stress enough. Doctors are trying to figure it out but so far it's a mystery. I have noticed that she won't suck (although she still sucks on her soother). But she sucked on a bottle for about 6 months so I don't know what's going on. Then last week my three year old got bronchitis, and Morgan got a cold which turned into pneumonia. Just when I think I'm getting my anxiety under control, something like that happens and I'm back to the psychologist.

Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to beat this anxiety, this feeling in the pit of my stomach that something horrible will happen someday. My biggest fear is losing one of my kids, and that has become one of my obsessive worries. I don't know how to be like other mothers who live their lives and seem to take things in stride. I worry, obsess, imagine the worst, and on and on.

I know that no one is happy and carefree all of the time, but I sure would like to know what it is like SOME of the time. I try to tell myself to just do it, just be like my sister, my mother, my friends. But I can't. My brain is wired differently and I know I can't help that but sometimes I just feel so...different from everyone else.

Just looking for others who've been there. I know it gets better, I've been through these stages before, but this one just is going on and on, because there always seems to be something happening to trigger my anxiety.

Sorry for the long post. I can't really talk to friends or family in depth about this, because they haven't been there, so how can they truly understand?

I hear my baby waking from her nap so I'll cut it off here. I hope everyone is doing well, and any advice / encouragement is welcome!

Shawna
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