Small intro, going through missed miscarriage with questions
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April 13th, 2012, 07:00 AM
Praying 4 a miracle
Join Date: Jun 2011
I suffered a missed miscarriage as well last year. We found out that our baby's heart had stopped beating when we went in for a dating u/s to confirm how old baby was. I was supposed to be 9weeks 1 day pregnant on the day.
Our ob/gyn mentioned 3 options; go to hosp for an ERPC, waiting it out and collect any tissues that comes to take it to hosp or wait 12 days and give my body some time to miscarry on its own and if nothing happens he does my ERPC. I trust my doc to much and chose the 3rd option whilst hoping that I would miscarry on my own. I can tell you it was 12 days living in hell. Since he wanted the baby to be sent for histology I had to use a bucket every time I went to to the bathroom. Everytime I was a bowel motion (sorry for the tmi) I was scared as I was not going to pick up anything then. I started bleeding 4 days after we got to know that they baby was dead.
During those 12 days I felt that I could not cope and was furious with myself for havig chosen to wait. For me it was physically and mentally painful. Everytime pain increased I would email or text the ob/gyn to ask him if he thought that that was it coz I didn't have any idea of what was happenning. I was scared to go out, did not go to work (I work with kids, in a school and was scared of losing the baby in class), my friends did not understand what I was going through. DH couldn't do anything to help me and I didn't make it any easier for him coz I stopped talking, eating, basically was just living waiting for the pain and blood (that is what I was told to expect). After about a week and a half I started praying that I would not lose the baby at home coz I was too scared by then. The pain I was having was already nearly more than I could deal with and still no baby came out. Some days some tissue would come out but never the baby. in a way I think I did not really want to go through the ERPC though coz a friend of mine is an OB/GYN and he offered to do it for me as well but i never went in.
About three/four days before I was supped to go to hospital I kept on cradling my belly and telling the baby that it was ok if he wanted to come out, that I would never stop loving him/her, but that mummy was now tired of all that painand while I did not want to get rid of him/her I needed the pain to stop. Somehow up there someone must have heard my prayers coz at least the pain got bearable. I was hoping that since I had not miscarried at home by then the baby would hold long enough for me to have the ERPC. After all that I did not want to see him, I wanted to remember him like I saw him on the monitor. Also I was looking forward to the anaesthesia. Since I had gotten to know that the baby was dead I was having horrific nightmares during the 15 mins I would sleep.
On the day we got to hospital nothing had happened. Was still seeing blood but nothing else. I was admitted and given a bed but asked if I could use the toilet before they inserted the tablet down there to start the process. As soon as I finished and got up something made me look down. What was left of the baby was on the floor. I picked it up myself and spent about an eternity looking at him/her (or rather what was left of him/her) before I managed to wrap him in some tissue paper and asked DH to come in. When the nurse confirmed that it was what was left of the baby and part of the sac I nearly fainted. What happened after is all a blur. All I remember is that when the ob/gyn checked me to see if there was anything left I screamed with pain. After that I was sent for a confirming tvus and was sent home. What was left came out naturally the next day. 6 weeks later I was still having some bleeding and during the follow up u/s the ob/gyn saw that part of the sac was still there - a very small part.
At the time I was scared and cried at what I thought was my stupidity at chosing to wait but nowadays I am 'happy' with that choice. By then my baby had disintegrated and the few bits that survived served only to certify that it was indead a baby. My body had reabsorbed most of the baby (since it disintegrated my body reabsorbed the 'dust') so nowdays even though it still hurts I know that my baby is still with me. I have endo, so had I gone for the ERCP would have most probably made my endo even worse. It was hell, I stopped living and made life absolutely hell for my DH and everyone around me coz I simply stopped talking, but if I ever had to (God forbid) go through a loss like that I would chose to go through it again. It gave me time to say goodbye even though I felt like a walking tomb. For *me* it would have been more traumatic waking up knowing that the baby was not there anymore.
Whatever you chose make sure that you will be able to live with that decision so the aftermath is going to remain with you for a life time. Good luck for your decision xxxxxx
Finally it seems that we are starting the IVF process - will see how it goes...... Forever missing our two little previous miracles.
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