[Lucky Mama]

Took another test to morning, just to be sure. Sure enough, it was BFN. No tears today, as I knew it was coming. So, I either had faulty tests (the retailer is checking with the manufacturer) or I had a chemical pregnancy.

I don't know if the LH surge I caught on my OPKs was ovulation or the hormone from a chemical pregnancy. I guess I'll know eventually, depending on how long it takes AF to arrive. Either way, though, it doesn't matter. DH refused to BD last night. He still says he wants a baby sometime, but doesn't want to "try" for one.

I broke down and told him that NTNP is so hard for me. I want to keep track of my cycles because they have been so erratic and I want to at least make sure I'm ovulating. But then, if I know I'm ovulating, I can't help but want to BD to give us a shot at a BFP, but then that would be "trying."

I told him I would rather prevent than NTNP. It's just to emotional for me to be in limbo about the whole thing. I was crying. DH got upset and said that he feels I'm pressuring him into getting pregnant, even thought his whole thing was his idea. It didn't help that he kept insisting I must be pregnant because I'm so emotional. I wish that were the case.

For now, my heart just aches. I don't even know if I'm mourning the loss of a baby that was never there at all or the loss of a baby that will never grow enough to be born. Even though it's silly, I already miss my Christmas Eve "baby."

So, at least for now, it sounds like I'm not really TTC after all. I'm going to be temping and charting my CM/CP, but no more IC OPKs or HTPs for me. I'm also done testing early. I don't want to go through this ever again.

If there is a silver lining through this whole thing, it's that I've met all of you amazing ladies! You have all been so incredibly supportive and kind. You've listened to my whining and indulged my goofiness. You've offered congratulations and consolations through this whole rollercoaster. I feel privileged and blessed to have had the opportunity to meet such wonderful people, even if it is "just online."

So, I hope you don't mind if I hang around; post on the board and sprinkle some baby dust and watch all of you get your BFPs, because at this point, you're gonna have a hard time getting rid of me!