Unconditional Parenting Discussion Thread (5/1-8/31)
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July 2nd, 2012, 12:00 PM
Join Date: Aug 2010
Originally Posted by
I remember Alphie talking about how you should focus on how a child's actions make the other person feel (instead of "You shared. Good job!" try "You shared with Johnny. Look how happy he is.") but I'm not 100% clear on why it is bad to focus on the fact that she made me happy and instead I should focus on why the other person is happy. I guess that is because then my love/praise is not dependent on making me happy? I actually was up at 2 am last night thinking about this stuff!
Oh man, don't lose sleep over it mama!!!
But yeah, I think actually it is like the Po Bronson article said. It is really easy to constantly praise as a way to show our love, and more fun for us, the parent. It takes a little more work to focus on a specific effort or action to praise, or to have a more descriptive comment on the situation. I think my default is becoming instead of "good sharing/good job/good girl for doing X" it is "you shared/you did it/thank you for doing X, that was helpful for mommy". And letting my tone, touch, smiles etc show love, all the time, even when she is being a pill. I try anyway.
Honestly I don't know what a big difference it will make but it just feels more right to me. I will read the book more and try to get to the more positive/"do this" parts of the book and report back.
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