acceptance versus not quitting?
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August 17th, 2012, 12:23 AM
Join Date: Aug 2012
To tell you the truth, I was happy with myself....at first. I started off pretty petite in my early high school days. But gradually started putting on weight through out high school. I also had the type of mother who was not happy with a size 12 daughter. So I tried my hardest to get to a size 10 and when I did I had to be a size 8.... needless to say it really destroyed all love for myself. As a grew a bit older, I met my DH and I was already plus size but at the lower end. When we got married I was roughly 18/20 and had a lot of problem areas but never really thought anything about it. When we started down the path to get pregnant my weight was a stand still and I was under 200. We started medical treatments to help with our efforts to get pregnant. As the month wore on, I began to stress eat all the time. It was my only comfort in our world at the time. Before I knew it I was at 220. After our IVF failed I lost all love for myself and became rather depressed I could not get pregnant and give my DH a child.
After a while I was just the plus size fun loving girl once again. I joked about my weight but never really stopped to say hey, you are fat, go on a diet. Recently I started looking at pictures of DH and I when we first got married and it made me sad. I was so pretty back then, even a bit plus size. Since those days I have ballooned to a whopping 260 lbs
Knowing that a doctor will never see me at my size... I am going on the HCG Diet. I really wish I had taken better care of myself, but I LOVE FOOD. I am the cook in my family and sometimes with our budget eating healthy has not always been an option. When things started looking better for us, we ate out all the time.... BIG NO NO for wanting to maintain or lose weight really.
So to answer you question after my long response, I do believe it really depends on the person. I live in Colorado (the "healthiest" State in the USA) and feel so out of place. Also, with my DH being military I just feel so out of place with other wives who are so much smaller than me and go running/jogging with their husbands....
The one thing that really hurt me the most was about 2 months ago I went home to visit and at a dinner party with a few of my friends from high school. One of my best friends, Daniel, was joking about how our 10 year reunion is right around the corner.. and poked fun at how much different I was then when I was in high school.. meaning my size.. I smiled and joked thought it, but on the drive back to my parent's house.. I literally cried myself to an emotional breakdown...
So when I got home, I started contacting doctors to help with my efforts and my PCM has been amazing
He is monitoring my diet as well as helping me with Tricare to maybe get reconstructive surgery after I am where I want to be. We had talked about lap band and gastric bypass, but I had wanted to try the gastric sleeve, and at this point, Tricare does not cover it
SO I am going to try this on my own, IF NO LUCK, then I am being referred to a weight loss doctor for the gastric bypass. FINGERS CROSSED I CAN DO THIS WITHOUT SURGERY, but if not I may be asking you loads of questions about weight loss surgeries!!!
Sorry for the long response... this topic is just very sensitive to me and I really have no one to vent to about it.
TTC Since Jan 2008
9/2012: Chemical Pregnancy
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