...:: baby hopes ::...
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September 27th, 2012, 11:32 PM
waiting for a miracle...
Join Date: Sep 2012
i have decided to start a ttc journal as a place to let out all of my feelings. i can talk to my husband, and he does understand as we are both really wanting to start a family, but some things i just feel are best to not "whine" about to him since they are the "same" things all the time. i dont have any friends in the same boat, so no one to talk to there. my friends either never want kids or already have kids, and while they would support ME, it is just hard to talk to them about ttc since they are not looking to have kids or never had a problem getting pregnant.
and so here my journal starts...
let's see, a little about me. i am 30 y.o. and a newlywed. my hubs and i have been ttc for over a year not, but we have been following more of the ntnp method, than full on ttc. with our wedding to plan and new jobs starting up, we felt it was best to "try" but also just see what happens. but now that we are married, we have been a little more focus on ttc and i am getting frustrated with the waiting. i was told i may have pcos about 5 years ago, but never followed through with finding out for sure. i think i was scared to know that i did and what it would mean for me starting a family, but about 6 months ago, i went back to the doctor and found out that while i do have some small cysts on one of my ovaries, they are nothing to worry about and my other ovary is looking good. other than a low iron count, they said i am healthy as far as pregnancy issues go - i could stand to lose some weight otherwise, but that is a long journey on it's own that i have been battling for years. i also have very irregular periods (have since i started), which is what lead to my original testing years ago, but so far except for the low iron, there is nothing to cause the irregular periods except it is just the way my body ia. ao as i said, my hubs is all for us starting our family, and after i did my testing, he did a home test to see if he was having a prob with his little swimmers, and the test came back saying he was good. we weren't so sure we trusted this test from walgreens, so he did go in to the doctors and took a test there and we found out that while he has plenty of swimmers, they are somewhat "lazy". he was recommended to go to a specialist to find out more of what causes the laziness and what can be done, but so far he hasnt gone yet.
as for our lives between the sheets, well, we have been ttc for over a year, but more of the "let's see what happens" route and not watching a calendar and plotting and planning, and so far we have had no luck (obviously since i am on here). we did the testing and stuff, just to be sure and know where we actually stand medically speaking, but we are both honest and admit that other things in our lifestyles may be effecting our baby hopes as well. we are both hard workers and dedicated to our jobs, but that means (for us) that we work long hours and work hard. for me, personally, that leads to a lot of "tired" nights and a lot of stress as well (always something going on at work!), which leads to me being "not in the mood". hubs respects that and will "try" to get me in the mood, but wont pressure me. he is awesome in the sense that sometimes he has a looooong wait between baby dancing, but he does okay. timing has sucked these last few months as well. between us working hard to be able to take some much needed time off recently (which means we have to work longer and harder before we go on a vaca), my period coming right as we're gearing up for a weekend of baby dancing, and/or my family showing up last minute and staying longer than expected, we just have not had much baby dancing going on until we took our recent vacation (and definitely made up for lost time! haha, tmi, sorry!).
so besides work hours and stress, we could eat a little healthier (goal for this month!), but also i think part of the problem is that i am just not in the mood a lot. there. i said it.
i am just not in the mood.
and i dont mean at the end of a long day at work or at the end of a lot week. i mean in general. i am just typically "not in the mood". i would rather lie in bed with the hubs and talk to him and snuggle and listen to his voice as i fall asleep. he is usually in the mood, but respects me not to push me, but i know he wants to baby dance (not just for baby hopes either!), and i know it and then feel bad for not doing it that night. i know i shouldn't feel bad, but i do, just how i am. we try to baby dance regularly, but with out schedules (10+hr days) and lives, we usually don't get much loving time between the sheets the first part of the week. that means we wait til our weekend arrives, and by then it just feels like it is "expected", which makes it less fun to me. so having it expected and me no being in the mood = not a good combo. but when i say i am not in the mood, don't get me wrong. i want to have sex. i want to have sex for the enjoyment of it AND in hopes of getting preggo, but while i may focus on getting preggo a lot during the week, once we start our love making, it is the last thing on my mind - til i am lying there tired and *hoping*.
so enough about my life under the blankets.
i had a ttc journal on another site about 8 months ago. i stopped using it because i felt like i was whining all the time. i am hoping this journal does not follow suit, but i apologize if it does. i just get so bummed out when aunt flo comes every month and i need a place to let it all out when she does and i get down on myself. my irregular periods dont help things along, because they prevent me from using the ovulation calendars since my period is different every month, and so i cannot really "plan" on when is best for the hubs and i to jump in bed - unfortunately.
well, that is it for now. i am starting to fall asleep at the computer and so on that note, i will say goodnight to anyone who stumbles across this journal!
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