Loketha's Rant Box
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October 2nd, 2012, 01:56 PM
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Tucson, AZ, USA
I have never told anyone what I am about to say. I have never told anyone for many reasons, but I think it is time to say it, because I think it is what is causing me to have such complications with TTC.
In April of 2007, I went to Florida where I was planning on moving to with my fiance. I stayed there for 2 weeks and in that time, my fiance-at-the-time and I were extremely sexually active.
In May, I went back to Massachusetts to complete my finals at uni, and then made plans to go back to Florida with the rest of my belongings.
All during May, my fiance and I got into nothing but fights. I was late for my period and every HPT was BFN. Our fights continued to get worse, I was suddenly unable to stay in class for longer than twenty minutes without being ill.
On my last day of classes just before finals, my then-fiance broke up with me. To this day, I still don't know why (though I believe he was cheating on me and I was just to scared to admit it).
Less than 24 hours later, I was admitted to the uni medical centre for having broken a fever of 104, severe pneumonia and heavy vaginal bleeding. I was in the medical centre for one week. I bled for 11 days. My OB says it was a late period set on by stress and was heavy because of my being ill.
I'm convinced, to this day, that I was pregnant and I had a miscarriage.
I think since then, whether I MCd or not, I was convinced I had. It scared me to think about having lost a child. 'Spontaneous Abortion'. My body had rejected a child.
I am wondering if I am scared to get pregnant. Yes, I want a child more than anything in this world, but could I be scared about the process? So much can go wrong in 9-10 months. Is my subconscious making it harder to TTC because I fear MC again?
I always think about it too. Even worse, over the years, in order to fill the hole that the MC and my fiance had left, I created a persona for a fetus that could not have been more than 6 weeks old.
I didn't date either. I had been so committed to him, that the thought of doing anything without him after 8 years was impossible.
It wasn't until 2 years later, in 2009, that I met my husband and I was finally able to leave my ex-fiance and my MC behind me.
If I wasn't pregnant, then this can all be the crazy ravings of a insane woman.
If I was, then my daughter is in heaven.
Merciful Victoria would have been her name.
Now that I have this out in the open, I am hoping that I can make peace with myself to TTC with my husband.
Give me strength God.
A Second Honeymoon
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