Topic: Here We Go...
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October 26th, 2012, 12:31 PM
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wanttobeinvienna wanttobeinvienna is offline
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Well, I decided to jump in because, well, it takes a village, right?

I thought I would share a little bit about my story and journey to finding myself 36 and pregnant. Fair warning though - there might be , so feel free to skip if you want. It's a little bit of my own therapy to write out what led me here, and to get feedback as well

I am a single, working mom of 2- a son, 11 and daughter, 9. Awesome, busy, crazy kids Their father and I separated when I was pregnant with my youngest, and I went on to be a single mom for 6 years, and through a lot of work and patience developed a working relationship with their dad. Not best friends, but a nice one. Then, I met my second husband, and my family felt almost complete- but we wanted another baby. We looked into in vitro, adoption, etc to make that dream a reality, when suddenly after 2 and a half years of marriage, he was arrested, I learned of multiple affairs, and he left us high and dry without a glance backwards (yes, I know this was a great thing that he left and I don't have to deal with that nonsense, but no, it doesn't make the pain any less). Needless to say, I feel cursed when it comes to men & marriage. Luckily, I have an incredibly supportive family and friends, and they have been my rock.

A year passed after he left and I entered the dating scene, although hesitantly, and not looking for anything serious! Around the same time frame, I decided to move the kids and I out of my house that was suited for a family of 7 (my ex has 2 daughters - who I miss tremendously and the house was not practical for a single mom of 2) and into my parents home, largely because my father, who I love dearly, was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lymphoma, and quickly deteriorating. Dating was meant to be an escape for me, not as a tool to find my next life partner... when, low and behold, I meet my now boyfriend, who is by far the kindest man I know, and makes my heart soar just thinking about him. Not too far out from the separation of his wife, he is still working through the logistics of being a single dad, and has a little ways to go with separation agreement before his divorce is finalized. Still both of us were in a good emotional place to enjoy dating.

One morning in September, my father had a medical emergency while I was with him, was taken by EMS (more than traumatizing for my kids), and spent a week in the hospital, before he passed away, Friday, September 21. It was heartbreaking, and telling my kids that their precious papa had passed away, after a year of so much trauma already was more than I could bear. That weekend, I felt "off", queasy when I ate, exhausted, etc, but I attributed it to my father's passing. I also had very light spotting, knew my period was supposed to start that week, but figured my body was just off. As the following week progressed, and we planned my father's memorial service, I still couldn't shake that fatigue. I was sitting with my boyfriend the day before my dad's funeral and it hit me. I just KNEW. He went to pick up his son, and I went to a Target, got the test, sat in their bathroom and saw that positive sign. My feelings were more than mixed. The timing was all wrong. My boyfriend isn't divorced, I just lost my dad, there are 3 other children to think about, I don't want to uproot my 2 again, etc etc. I am sure you can imagine the race going on in my head. But still, a baby, a gift in this time of grief, joy was certainly in there somewhere.

I also knew, in that moment, that this precious developing relationship would change. One way or another change was coming. I just KNEW. So, I went to my boyfriend, and I told him. And he wanted to terminate. Now, this is where as women we get mad and say what kind of a guy would do that, if he loves you he will love this baby, etc, etc, etc. And I agree. But I would also argue that people have the right to openly express fear, and sometimes we all say really stupid things. But there it was, regardless. He wants to terminate. I don't. Where do you go from there? Well, no where for a little while, because I have my father's funeral, a ton of guests, and grieving children to attend to, the logistics of bank accounts, insurance, etc to help my mother with and somewhere in the midst of all of that, my own grief and loss to pay attention to. So we took a few days off from discussing it.

And that didn't help. Because each day, I became more pregnant, and he became more certain that termination was the right option. He felt that should we terminate now, later in our relationship, after marriage, we could have a baby (um- I'm 36, I am NOT going to have a baby any later than this!!) He felt that with support and therapy we could work through a termination, and be just as strong. I told him that it just wasn't happening. That though I am passionate for women to have the right to choose that option based on their circumstances, I was not going to choose that. So about a week and a half go by and suddenly I become terrified, I realize that I might very well be having this baby on my own, completely on my own, and our fighting escalated, to the point of ugliness. I told him if I terminated, I would never want to see his face again, and went as far as scheduled the appointment at Planned Parenthood. And the whole time my heart was breaking. I couldn't believe this was how the story was going to end. I scheduled it on a Monday for that Thursday. On Tuesday, my boyfriend said call and cancel it. Let's not do this. Let's go to therapy, let's work through this together, one step at a time. (Now, confession time- I had already decided the night before I was going to cancel it - but I didn't tell him that!)

So, that's where we are. We have been to 2 therapy sessions, and will continue to go every other week. I, also, will be seeing him on my own once a month, as will my boyfriend. The thing is, and as our therapist points out, together we make a great team. He brings joy and peace to my life, and I feel confident I do to his as well. We just were presented with a situation, a precious situation, that rocked our worlds. I am hopeful, so very hopeful, that therapy will get us past this bad place. I told him I would settle for nothing less than joy, pure joy.

We had our first doctors appointment on Tuesday, and everything went really well. Heartbeat looks great, baby looks strong. There was a small pool of blood beside the babe that we will get looked at in 2 weeks just to make sure it's resolving itself, but the doctor urged me not to be too concerned.

And that leaves me with a due date of 5/29/13, a host of concerns- how I am going to support this baby, when am I going to tell people, how mad/judgmental/etc is the world going to be, how are my kids going to react, the list is absolutely endless. But still, in all of this- there is joy. Well, after the nausea, fatigue, etc, There is joy. And I am grateful for a forum where I can express that joy! Because right now, there isn't anywhere else!

Long story- but there it is
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