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October 28th, 2012, 05:06 PM
Learning to walk in faith
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Near the land of cream cheese
Originally Posted by
THIS is exactly my point.
Dh does NOT take care of this child when she's here.
I feed her, make her take baths, and everything in between. Even her BM sent me the following text "thank YOU for taking care of my daughter".
In that case, YES
dh should clear it w me
before bringing her especially after we had a knock out argument the night before. We are on bad rocky grounds right now and I did not want her seeing this again after what happened 2 weeks ago where
he called me a C**T
in front of her. That's the reason she wasn't allowed here by here bm.
There's a lot I don't post here bc obviously it's embarrassing. And too long to type. I didn't want her witnessing another episode but I'm sure when sd9 saw her dads attitude towards me, her attitude mimicked it. She was NOT joking on the lazy comment and I gave her the benefit of that doubt THREE times by saying "if you're joking, it's still NOT ok" and 3 times she still kept pushing.
I had a breakdown when my 6 year old was a baby. And I definitely know when I need space and I told him
. He knew this when we married and he said to let him know. I did. He ignored it.
I'm actually surprised something bigger didn't blow the roof. I manage my issues without medication so that I can breastfeed my baby and have a better closer bond. MY choice. Choosing not to be stuck with a disrespectful child every weekend is my choice too.
If he parented her it might be different but are some of you suggesting I should just let him have her here and let her disrespect me all the time even as I'm about to go over the edge?!? (wouldn't that be irresponsible?)
Time out to say in response to the last italicized portion: That's not what ANYONE said. "That was rude. You may not speak to me that way." would be my response. If it persisted, I would probably leave the room too. It wouldn't be storming off, but I'm a big believer in natural consequences as a teaching tool. The natural consequence for being rude to people is that people don't want to be around you.
I honestly think *I* made the adult choice by saying she shouldn't be here during times that we are having big problems anyway
. And then add to it
my emotional state
. It was irresponsible of him to bring her into the house knowing it was a ticking time bomb here. And
I feel like when he's mad at me, she sees that and sees him treat me like crap so as a child does, she joins in and feels it ok. Why not? He won't correct her anyway and she knows it.
Her behavior is what he allows and it's not her fault. It's his. But I shouldn't be the victim and be her punching bag or his.
I'm going to try my best to explain this - she is not treating you badly because she wants to hurt you. She's a child who is watching one adult in her life abuse (yes, I would consider calling a loved one a "c**t" abusive) another, and she's acting out. She's not using you as a punching bag. She's hurting and angry and confused. That doesn't make it okay and it doesn't mean it should not be addressed, but your dh is an adult and he should know how to treat people. It's really not fair to hold a 9 yo child to the same standard.
Let me add. Medication made my illness very much worse years ago. Resulted in over medicating and a suicide attempt. I managed by getting therapy and reducing stress and doing everything possible to keep myself at ease and not in a "frenzy".
This has worked for me and breastfeeding or not I wouldn't try medication again bc of the risks and side effects that come with.
No amount of meds will fix dh not parenting and no amount of meds will make me ok with sd9 being rude and inappropriate to me. =\
Medication isn't supposed to be a fix-all. It's supposed to be supplementary. I'm not your doctor and I can't give you medical advice, but my oldest dss is diagnosed with multiple mood disorders and went through more than a dozen medication changes before he found one that made any significant different.
Originally Posted by
I left the room to avoid losing my temper. After 3 times of telling her NO and her repeating it again I wasn't sure of my what my reaction would be after the 4th. With my 2 kids my reaction would be something they wouldn't like. But I'm not allowed to parent her the same way. And her dad won't parent her so I removed myself from the situation to avoid a worse scenario.
And there are times I get mommy brain and leave stuff in the car that I need in the house. Not odd I'm guessing? But honestly I was needing the spray and to give her the doll. All in all *I* am married to dh and if I need him to go walk outside for anything or do anything it's between me and him. Not a 9 years old placed to question it. (which happens VERY often when she inserts herself in our convo's and questions me and my actions. NEVER does shd question dh or his actions unless he's doing things for me)
"why does HE need to get you water?"
"why does HE have to watch the baby ?"
"why does HE have to take the trash out?"
Examples of things she has asked in the past even as I was laid up after having baby or some illness.
Always followed by "are you too lazy??"
I don't disagree that your leaving the room was the best choice given the circumstances. I have an 11 yo dsd who thinks she's about 10 years older than she really is too. It can be greatly irritating for everyone around her. She debates nearly EVERYTHING. That said, our response is always the same: "I/we am/are the adults, and I/we have this under control." Sometimes, if applicable, it's, "You are being rude. You need to stop, and go find something else to do." It isn't always a quick fix, and sometimes, "Stop." needs to be repeated several times. Sometimes the adult chooses to walk away from her and cool off before addressing it further. Either way, though, it's a boundary that can be drawn without spanking (which, frankly, I think is a little odd for a 9 yo in the first place) or major
It helps to remember that her desire to be more grown up is sometimes a positive thing. I never have to worry about the girls' bedroom being tidy, and she actually *wants* to help us cook dinner.
I think it comes down to personality type a lot more than it does age, FWIW. The dsd that I mentioned has had an, um... big? personality since she was an infant (and sometimes her personality is a really great thing
). The dss who is about to turn 9 is a big feeler, but he's generally sweet-natured and is often easygoing. My 6 yo dsd is mature and eloquent for her age, but she is really go-with-the-flow (most of the time - occasionally she BLOWS up and everything that has ever bothered her in the last year will come out, but when that happens she tends to just need to let it out, be hugged and then she moves on).
Forgive me for being blunt, but why are you still married to this guy? I'm not saying you should go file for divorce tomorrow, but I think a separation might be in everyone's best interests here. This situation sounds pretty out of control and with so many young children in the home I'm not sure that it's in anyone's benefit to continue as is. You seem to realize that the problem here is him, not his children. You seem to realize that his parenting 'style' is not going to change when it's your own daughter.
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