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November 29th, 2012, 09:16 AM
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smsturner smsturner is offline
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 3,730
Hi.
First. Big hugs to you. You sound like you need them. I'm so glad that your mom is there for you, she sounds fantastic.

I know just what you mean. I have been in that spot myself, almost exactly the same. Except I'm straight.
I have major depressive disorder. I have always had depression ups and downs. I have been on and off meds many times. My latest is effexor for the last four years. I also didn't start on meds until I was about 20, or get counseling. I always refer to it as being pulled into the black pit. When I am sliding toward my down, it's what I feel like. Trying to claw my way back out of it. I also have anxiety attacks.

After I moved in with my now husband, I was laid off. I just laid there every day feeling low, and feeling like i was contributing nothing, feeling like I was ruining my kids lives by just being me.

You have to want a change. Since you are here and looking, that's the first. Good for you!
You have to have a reason to get moving. I couldn't even get out of bed. I would put my kids on the bus and lay back down till they came home. NOTHING made me happy or made me want to do anything.
I was medicating myself with whatever pills I could find.

My husband was devastated watching me. He did something shocking and amazing , that made all the difference. He got a sweet little chocolate lab puppy. lol who would have guessed that that little puppy would be the answer?
I named her Joy. Because she is. I had to get up. I had to take her outside every couple hours. Take her for walks. Feed her and play with her. Joy KNEW I was worth it, and adored me unconditionally.
This gave me the push I really needed.
After I got Joy, I went back to my dr and had a med change. I started getting more active and thinking of things to do with the kids, their school, etc. I started applying more and looking for job opportunities.

Now Joy is four and she is still my best friend. We have a bond like no other.

I'm not saying this is what you should do. Or what everyone should do.
But the basic idea is the same. You need a big push. Something to be excited about, something to pick you up enough to move toward the help you need. A positive change.
Talk with your mom. Talk with your lady. If she had you move in, she is definitely committed to you. Even though her mom is sick, you still matter to her. She will want you to be happy too. And you being happy would help you support her right back. I'm sure one of the special ladies in your life would have ideas, and want to help you move in the right direction.

Also, please call your local mental health board and women's center. They usually have sliding scale or free counseling available. You definitely need it.

More big hugs. I really hope you get the help you need.

Hope I helped!
__________________
Susan, dh Tom, dd Megan (14), ds Marcus (12), Our new baby Dean





I never knew until that moment how badly it could hurt to lose something you never really had. - Missed Miscarriage at 10 weeks - 3/26
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