I feel bad but...
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December 15th, 2012, 03:53 PM
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Pacific NW
...I'm not exactly thrilled to be having a boy. I really wanted a girl this time around, for several reasons. One is that I felt like my angel baby (though it was too early to tell) might have been a girl, second is I have always wanted girls anyway, and third is that with my heart issues there's a possibility we might not have any more children. So to me it was really important that this one be a girl...only it's a boy! I feel bad because I don't want to feel disappointed about a healthy, beautiful baby. This baby was supposed to be my calm after the storm, spring after the dead of winter. And so it sucks to feel like I'm not excited about the baby. If it was a girl I know I'd be pulling out my pink yarn and looking at patterns. And with it being a boy, I just feel like, I've done all this before (meaning the boy colors, etc) and it's not really that exciting. I know this baby will be special and eventually I'll bond with it. But it sucks to know the gender yet not be excited to buy boy clothes. At least we have lots of boy clothes from DS still...that's what I keep telling myself, anyway.
Has anyone been able to relate to that in the past? I think a lot of it is wrapped up in somehow thinking my angel baby (Little Bud) was going to come back to me somehow, or that I'd get to experience all the things I felt had died with her. All the things I'd been hoping for with her before she died. And now it's like I'm mourning her again. I knew logically from the beginning of this pregnancy that she was dead, and wouldn't be coming back to me. But maybe my heart got away from my brain, and somehow the thought of having a little girl in her place was comforting. A boy changes everything...I never imagined myself with 2 boys. And then if we can't have any more children...that to me would be a huge, huge letdown. My sister was going to have the boys in the family and I was going to have the girls. She has 2 boys and a girl. If I can't even have one girl I feel I'm going to be really sad for a long time about it. I have all these things I want to do with a girl and teach her and so on. A lot of them I can pass on to a boy, such as music and art and even cooking. But I'm not sure knitting and sewing would be that appropriate for teaching two boys. I guess it's like I want a part of me to carry on and I feel that my boys wouldn't do that like a girl would.
Anyway sorry to go on so much but I guess it's really more important than I thought it was.
Little Bud: Blooming in Heaven 1.24.12
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