Is anyone else here a trauma survivor?
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December 30th, 2012, 12:59 AM
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Union Bridge, MD
I am a survivor of a drug-assisted, multiple offender sexual assault that occurred when I was 13 years old. I guess that's a nice way of saying I was drugged and gang raped. I did an extensive amount of healing through therapy & advocacy work in my twenties to help come to terms with it. I don't think you ever get "over" something like that but acknowledging what happened, telling someone else (which I didn't do for almost a decade), and moving from being a victim to a survivor really helps me give it a lot less control over my emotions, if that makes sense. Anyway, I think in general I have subtle issues with being touched without permission or control over the situation, even if it's non-sexual. I have had anxiety attacks from being tickled, playfully chased, etc. Stuff that wouldn't necessarily bother non-survivors. I also sometimes struggle with uninvited touching from my fiance - NOT meaning "forceful" whatsoever, just meaning that when he does the occasional boob grab or goosing I can be put on edge. He tries to be mindful of my boundaries but it took him awhile to really get it that I wasn't going out of my way to be a PITA
Does it affect me regarding pregnancy & birth? A little. Pregnancy doesn't bother me so much. But birth was a little hard. Being restrained and sedated in a rush emergency situation when my twins were delivered was a HUGE trigger for me. I remember screaming and heading towards a full-fledged anxiety attack just before I was knocked out. I felt incredibly out of control with so many hands on me, not being able to see the lower half of my body, and then being knocked out (NOT the easiest thing for me to handle given the nature of my assault).
Luckily my son's birth was a lot easier on me. I was awake and they left my arms free at my request, plus I had my fiance right by my side (I was alone when the twins were born since it was an emergency), so I felt a lot less vulnerable. I really pray that things go just as smoothly this time around. It makes the helplessness of being half numb on an operating table surrounded by strangers a lot easier to endure.
Thank you, *sharon*, for my siggy!
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