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March 21st, 2013, 11:01 AM
Every breath is a gift.
Join Date: Mar 2012
thanks for replying. I'm still pretty devastated but the pain doesn't cut as deep. As far as my sweet boy, I know he is happy and safe. I feel like he has given me a few little signs over the past few months to let me know everything is okay.
On the other hand ttc has got me freaked out real bad. DH is ready to ttc, he has been ready but just patiently waiting until I feel ready again and supporting me along the way. I do feel good now and ready to TRY but I have to admit I am still really scared something else horrible will happen. A little back story: 3 months after losing our son we jumped back into ttc because at that point the idea of ttc again made me happy, excited, it gave me joy that I had something positive to look forward to. So after tracking my ovulating with opk's, which was stressful all in itself because I had 2 positive opk's which I think it was 3 days between one another. That really confused me so I didn't know for sure how many DPO I was when I started taking the pregnancy tests. I bought 10 of the cheap dollar tree tests and started poas. I ended up getting 2 faint positive tests then the lines were gone and I had a really heavy AF. I few of my JM friends looked at pictures of my tests and said they think there is a chance I had a chemical pregnancy BUT on the other hand I have seen several ladies in my
and FB group get false positives with the same dollar tree tests!! One of the ladies concluded her false positive was caused by Gatorade, she poured some straight on the test and it read positive. Then another woman realized her false positive was caused by drinking Mountain Dew. Same thing, she poured it straight on the test and it read positive. I really only drink water and milk so I don't think that was what happened in my situation but I do constantly wonder if I WAS pregnant and lost it. Since then I have had anxiety attacks which I never had before. The idea of going back to a Dr really stresses me out, like really bad! I went to the dentist the other day because I wanted to make sure I didn't have any cavities before be start ttc again (just want to make sure my health is in tip-top shape). The dentist's assistant took my blood pressure and said it was high. I knew it was going to be because I was feeling very anxious at the moment.
I just have a lot of worries and fears. I do have faith that everything will turn out fine in the end but the fear of the unknown, the trials and tribulations along the way is a scary thought. I don't think I am strong enough to handle anything else like this if it were to happen again.
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