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March 22nd, 2013, 12:59 PM
Every breath is a gift.
Join Date: Mar 2012
I'm "okay"... that is like my trademark phrase now. That is my reply to pretty much everyone, every time. The truth? ... I'm not "okay" but do I really have a choice? I may feel numb over 50% of the time and yet, time doesn't stop for anyone, life goes on. It's hard to get back in the swing of things when at this point in my life, things should be completely different. DH and I should be experiencing some of the happiest moments in life right now, but we were robbed of the most precious thing in the world to both of us, our sweet baby. I HAVE to do things to keep myself busy or my mind wanders to sad depressing places. The past couple days I have been getting our bathroom ready to paint, and finally started painting yesterday. I probably wont have it finished until 2 more days then I will move onto repainting the hallway.
I had an issue with listening to music after we lost Clyde. Every song reminded me of him because I loved singing songs off of the radio to him. I would hear these songs that I used to sing to him and bust into tears. EVERY song would make me cry so I refused to listen to the radio for about 3 months straight. There were certain songs I feel that Clyde really liked because he would wiggle around as I sang. As I slowly began to turn the radio on here and there for 5-10 mins at a time I realized "our song" (My son and I's) would come on EVERY time I listened to the radio. Yes I know radio stations are bad about playing the same songs over and over, but I feel like this certain one was a sign from my son. I even mentioned it to my DH and he said he has noticed it too. Now I am able to listen to music and I feel like sometimes my son speaks to me through certain songs. It may sound silly to some of you but it is something I have found, although it's very painful at times, it helps me feel that connection with my son again.
I love him with every fiber of my existence. Mommy loves you sweetheart
I just wish I was able to hold him, even if only 1 more time. I believe in heaven so I know that day will come, the waiting just hurts SOOOO BAAAD!!!
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