Still can't believe I'm here (M/C mentioned)
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March 25th, 2013, 07:42 AM
~ ttc island baby #3 ~
Join Date: Feb 2013
Honestly, I still can't believe it. The last two months have been such a whirlwind. We were not ttc at all so of course it came as a complete surprise when I didn't get my AF and on February 1st I found out I was pregnant. Within an hour of finding out, my husband and I were excited and happy.
One thing did bother me. I really didn't feel pregnant at all. With my other two pregnancies I had every symptom in the book, including 24/7 horrific MS for months. I honestly just felt great this time. I read other people mentioning 'missed miscarriage' and I read up on it. I even went to the nurse and told her I felt maybe that is what was happening to me. Of course I had no spotting or cramps, so why worry, right? At some point I started to think that I could feel the baby sometimes, so that reassured me.
At my 10 1/2 week appointment, he couldn't find the heartbeat, but he said it was still early and that was normal. Ok, I guess? By this point, I felt unsure again. I just couldn't wait to get to that stage of pregnancy where my belly would grow and I actually felt pregnant! Two days after my Dr's appointment, I started spotting brown, only a spot or two and not all the time. I tried to not worry, but when you've had two other pregnancies with no spotting ever at all, how could my mind not wonder? I had a NT scan booked for a few days later. The brown spotting continued throughout the week, but there was no cramping and no blood. Every time I saw brown, I would pray that my baby was ok. Looking back now, I believe that all this time my baby was already gone
The morning of my scan, I started spotting red with clots. Now I was getting more worried, but I know that lots of women bleed/clot/etc and everything is fine.
I honestly never considered that I would have a miscarriage. I mean, I've only been pregnant two times and both times went perfect. This just wouldn't happen to me. Then came the scan...no baby
To make a long story a bit shorter, I ended up having a D&C done two days later, on my 35th Birthday.
That was 9 days ago. I still can't believe it. I still can't believe this has happened to me. I don't know where to go from here. Yes, I have always wanted 3 children, but we were content with our 2 girls. All of those 'content' feelings seemed to change when I found out I was pregnant with baby #3. I was 'over the moon' excited. I can't remember the last time I was this blissfully happy. I spent every waking hour excited to be pregnant. I realized how much I have always wanted a third baby. I truly thought this was a gift, my dream baby. How could there possibly be a problem? A gift like this would not be taken away from me, would it? I was so wrong!
Now I battle between going back to my content life before or maybe possibly ttc again? Now that I have actually experienced that amazing feeling of being pregnant again and looking forward to finally completing our family with 3 children, how can I go back to my life before this all happened to me? Then again, I am so scared to have to go through a loss again. I don't know if I can deal with that. But, is the reward greater than the risk?
I know it's only been 9 days, but honestly, it feels like a lifetime to me. All I keep thinking, no matter what I am doing, is "I should be pregnant right now" and it just breaks my heart
Anyway, I know I've been posting here for a week now and I just wanted to officially write my story. My name is Samantha, by the way!
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