Sara's TTC #1 Journal
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April 25th, 2013, 08:37 AM
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: North Texas
Hello. My name is Sara. I am 29 yrs old, 30 in May. I was once a part of JM years ago when I was with my ex. I was a part of the blended family board and divorce and separation board.
I had my first miscarriage in Feb 2006. I had gotten pregnant on BCP while my ex and I were dating. Although I didn't plan to get pregnant, I was very excited. My ex had a 2 yr old from a previous marriage and I just wanted to be a mom to my own. I started spotting at 11 weeks and went in for an ultrasound. They said there was no heartbeat and it looked like the fetus didn't survive past 9.5 weeks. I was the first woman in my family to knowingly experience a miscarriage. I was devastated. I worked in a day care chasing after 18mo-24mo olds and then worked short shifts at a fast food place. I thought running after the kids and/or my hot baths to relax killed my baby. I was married from May 2006 until April 2010. I had 2 more miscarriages around 6 weeks within that marriage. My ex was constantly working on the road and cheating on me. I finally had enough and filed for divorce Feb 2010.
I met my current DH online after I filed for divorce. We began dating before my divorce was finalized, but the finalization was just a paperwork thing. My marriage had long been over. I stuck around so long for my step-daughter, not for my ex. So, Paul and I began dating and it was instantly obvious that this man was different than any other man I had dated. Within 2 months, I knew he was the ONE. I let him know that I was born to be a mom and always thought I would have my family complete by 30. I let him know that I was interested in finding happily ever after and at least trying to start a family by 30. If he wasn't on board with that, then we weren't meant to be together. He jumped on board my crazy train
. After 4 years of a bad marriage, I knew a catch when I found him. Even though I basically lived with him after 5 months of dating, DH insisted I keep my own apartment and my own space. After a year of dating, I officially moved in March 2011. We got married in October 2012.
DH has been with me through the worst 2 years of my medical history. He is my ROCK. He says he has no problem taking care of me because one day the roles may be reversed and he knows I will take care of him. After my blood clot in August, life changed for me. I was terrified of what I ate and what medicine I took. I was terrified to get another clot. The clot damaged my veins, perhaps permanently. My leg is not as swollen as it was, but it is not normal. It could take years to go away, if ever. My first positive test for antiphospholipid came in December. They were focusing on this one because it is known to cause miscarriages. It takes 2 tests at least 3 months apart coming back positive before a diagnosis was made. APS is an auto-immune clotting disorder where your immune system doesn't recognize part of the blood and attacks it. It's also known as "sticky blood". My family has immune problems, so although I held out hope, I knew the chances of having this were strong.
In late February/early March of this year, my period was late. My doctor STRESSED that I could not get pregnant on my blood thinner pills, and if I even THOUGHT I might be pregnant, I was to call him immediately. I called in a panic when my period was late. I was to wait a few days and POAS. As much as I was terrified of getting pregnant on my blood thinners, I was also becoming excited. I POAS and it was negative. I told DH that even though we weren't trying, it was still disappointing to get that negative. I rely on my AF to tell me I am not pregnant, not get my hopes up and have a test tell me so. My period started the day after.
In March, the 2nd test came back positive. There was the most likely explanation for my miscarriages. Clots formed in the placenta and my baby was deprived of what it needed to survive. I will be on blood thinners for life. With a previous blood clot and a clotting disorder, I am at high risk of another clot. Since DH and I had been talking about actually TTC soon, the doctor switched me to Lovenox injections because they don't cross the placental barrier to hurt a fetus. Normal prophalatic frequency is once a day, but since I have a history of a clot, I was put onto the twice a day frequency. This took extra authorization to be covered by insurance, but it is. I will now be on twice daily injections throughout TTC, throughout pregnancy, and 6 weeks postpartum.
I HATE needles. DH recorded the first injection and the ordeal. I was pathetic. "you do it, no I will do it, no you do it", crying cuz of my fear and laughing at how pathetic I felt. This is also an injection that has to go into fat, so stomach, underside of thighs or underside of upper arms; stomach is recommended. After 5 weeks, I have bruises on my stomach and lumps. The medicine also burns once it's in. It's just not a pleasant ordeal. For most weekends now, I have a pity party for myself. I get depressed and cry at how much I go through just for a baby. "Why oh why is it so easy for some people and not me?". This is slowly getting better.
I started taking my temps mid cycle last month. It was not easy to remember, so I missed the initial temp bump after ovulation. This month I have been temping everyday and started using OPKs. I had my consult with my ob-gyn regarding conception and pregnancy. She was wonderful. Now it's the wait to get pregnant next cycle. I am trying to keep faith that it will happen quickly because the longer this takes, the longer I have injections. In the back of my mind is the reality that this could take a while to happen. I am not ready to accept that yet. I've had my heart broken with the miscarriages. I've had my heart broken with medical problems. I just don't know how many more months of heart break I can take. I am tired of being disappointed by my body.
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