Sara's TTC #1 Journal
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May 6th, 2013, 11:24 AM
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: North Texas
As the end of this cycle approaches (not sure when AF will show since I ovulated late), I find myself getting more and more anxious. We will start TTC and the excitement has given way to anxiety and fear. I guess it can be an exciting time for some, and I feel somewhat robbed that my situation isn't like that. Having had multiple miscarriages and now having injections twice daily, I am really getting nervous "what if I don't get pregnant?" Although my hematologist thinks my newly found clotting disorder was the reason for my previous miscarriages, he can't say for sure.
All this past weekend I felt on edge, like I could cry at the drop of a hat or bite someone's head off if they annoy me. I didn't know why. I have family stress going on, but it shouldn't be causing this emotion. Then it hit me yesterday. I am getting really scared about TTC. DH and I cuddled and talked it out. I just started crying "I'm scared to TTC cuz what if I can't get pregnant?" He said he has some of the same fears from his side. "What if after all the reassuring that we can get pregnant cuz now the time is right, everything is right, but the reason we don't get pregnant is his fault?" Huh. I never realized he was worried about that.
My first full cycle of charting has been my most abnormal cycle since I was taken off of BCP in August. I think DH and I will just BD often to try to make sure we catch the egg next cycle, no matter when I happen to ovulate. I think the sure way to make BD fun and not an appointment is to try to make it a date night, not something we have to squeeze in. We need to devote time to each other for dinner, movie, etc. and see if that helps set a mood for BD.
My gosh. Although typing this helps, I still feel like I have a rock in my gut and want to cry. How do I cope with all this emotion?
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