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May 6th, 2013, 10:32 AM
pamela.burke611 pamela.burke611 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 425
Hey everyone!!!!!

I have been so quiet for weeks now and I swear I have been meaning to catch up with posting.. like I have so much to say, but at the same time I don't know what to say.. do you know what I mean? I am sorry and I am ready to jump back in! I have to admit I am more active on facebook and super active on my phone and I read here every single day; it's just that I've sort of been in one of those weird states. There are so many things to catch up on, I don't know where to begin!

I feel really anxious about another baby coming, but at the same time I am excited. So much to do and no time? Like I have everything, but I don't feel ready. I don't want my daughter, Chloe, to feel pushed to the side. I have been really feeling bad about that and how Chloe will feel. I am also just anxious in general about the baby.. I remember when Chloe was born I did not sleep at all for months! I was so scared that she would pass away while I was sleeping. (My brother had a SIDS baby a year before I had Chloe and I lived with my parents at the time and so did his wife and the baby while my brother finished college and so I experienced it firsthand and saw the trauma it put my sister-in-law through.. and I had no kids at the time so I couldn't really understand that pain even though it was the most traumatic thing ever! The pictures in my head torture me from that night.. now that I have a child that pain would eat me alive!!!!! I am surprised she isn't in a mental institution because I feel I would be. They have a daughter, another son after baby passed, and now she is pregnant again bless her heart)

So, anyway, I would have really unwanted thoughts in my head and just overall feel so scared and weepy and just not okay in general. I have those thoughts even still and they are getting stronger and stronger the closer I get to having Logan.. so now not only am I paranoid about Chloe, but I am starting to fear for Logan too and getting into crazy mama bear mode and preparing never to sleep for months again! It's like a crazy adrenaline pumping through my veins and yet also an overwhelming sadness too?? I can't really explain it. I am so excited for him to come and I am so anxious at the same time.

Chloe's 4th birthday was on April 30. It was really fun and kind of emotional... my baby is growing up... then I had my 33 week appointment last Thursday on May 2. Everything with baby Logan is fine. His heartbeat was in the 140s, he was a "good sized baby" my Dr. said, and she ordered an ultrasound to see how he was positioned; He was breech. Seeing him on the ultrasound was great. He has gotten so big and he looks so much like my daughter in her ultrasounds! I didn't see a 3D one on him like I have her so seeing him in person will be a surprise but he is so cute and I didn't even think to ask how many pounds he was showing to be! Darn it! So now I am on to 2 week appointments with my next on being on May 16! We are getting so close!!

But I am so huge, as big as a house.. and that makes me depressed. I already way more and am larger than on the day I gave birth to Chloe. I can't even look in mirrors without breaking down.. my boyfriend doesn't seem attracted to me and says I am cute and that he can't wait till I have the baby though so that I go back to myself.. well what if I don't? What if he never thinks I am sexy again? I really look so bad, I can't wait to work on it after baby comes. I even said he didn't have to cut the cord this time and can stay by my head and have my mom cut it because, he said he was so grossed out cutting it with Chloe and he was so sick watching the baby come out of me... I don't want him feeling grossed out by me! I don't mean to make him sound bad at all, some men don't handle childbirth well.

Anyway, I am having a lot of discomfort and braxton hicks and physically I feel really horrible. Emotionally my moods are anxious and kind of sad but I keep them to myself I am pretty good at not taking them out on people this pregnancy. Do any of you feel labor slowly coming on? Chloe was born at 39 weeks 1 day so I am not really concerned about Logan coming early but I guess I shouldn't jynx that haha I want him to be in there at least to full term What about subsequent babies for you all though? Did they come early or late? and labor time? I am still working full-time and some overtime (Last week I worked 72 hours) and I wanna work until I give birth like I did with Chloe.. I am exhausted but the show must go on!

I have so much more to say and so many topics on my mind but my daughter is badgering me to put my makeup on and take her bye bye LOL so I guess that's my curtain call. I am happy to be back <3

Last edited by pamela.burke611; May 6th, 2013 at 10:47 AM.
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