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  #19  
June 29th, 2013, 07:33 PM
SmilingSam SmilingSam is offline
Nerd
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Southeast, US
Posts: 3,040
Update time!

Erin, you were so sweet to read my looooooong journal entries. I'll definitely check out the youtube stuff.

TTC #1 ladies, you all are sweet to drop by.

Yes my midterm went off without a hitch. The teacher used TERRIBLE questions that were most likely book questions (test bank questions that the writers of the text book provides). I felt sorry for the 1/3 of the class for whom English is a second language. Because of my pride I did not bring a cheat sheet. Some people brought them with every word from the power points written in tiny, tiny letters. Wouldn't it just be easier to study? But grad school is full of overachievers so it shouldn't surprise me.

I admit it, I'm living off of Zofran. I hate this. I'm not whining about the nausea, I'm whining about feeling tied to food. It's terrible. Really what I'm struggling with is losing control of my body and my weight. I've lost a lot of weight since I started riding outdoors almost this time last year. When we started TTC I made the decision that having a baby was more important to me than having the perfect body or spending my every weekend on the bike. And I STILL feel this way. But I hate NEEDING to eat. Before it was like if I got hungry, okay I'll get something when I have time. Now if I get hungry its about 20 minutes before I'm ready to hurl. That means I can't go to bed hungry. I can't lay in bed in the middle of the night if I wake up. That means I have to get something before I ride the train to school. I. HAVE. To. Eat. And I hate it. I'm working with my therapist on 1) radically accepting that I'm going to gain weight and 2) using wise mind to balance the emotions and logic that I will gain weight because I am PREGNANT. I just hate being chained like this. Panic!

Since Zofran is helping keep the nausea at bay so I can eat I'm also enjoying my good friend, Colace. I gotta keep things moving you know?

I tried to pump myself up the other day by dropping by Babies R Us when I had some free time. I just don't like that store! And I didn't like the resale store "Once upon a time" either. One thing that I was really hoping to avoid was shirts with words. I feel like babies don't have opinions so we shouldn't be putting these shirts on them that speak for the babies. It's silly. And I don't judge people who put such clothes on their child. I'm Libertarian, I don't care what YOU do. I just don't want those kinds of clothes on my kid. But 9/10 clothes have words like "Mommy's boy" or "I'm adorable" or "My first Dawgs shirt" or "Send me to grandmas!". Why can't people make plan clothes? Why does everything need a label? I'm sure my baby will be cute enough without all the words expressing it.

I'm feeling kind of poopy because there were a bunch of good rides lately. There's a big century ride tomorrow (100 miles) where they will shut down a major interstate and let the cyclists on it early in the morning. How cool is that? I really wish I could go. There is a short route but I just don't think it's smart to be riding on the road right now. A friend sent me an email about a girl's ride on the bike path from Atlanta to Alabama. They are planning 60 miles. Before I could do that in my sleep. I'm tempted to go and maybe only go 40 or so miles. It's on a bike path so I don't think that it's unsafe. I'm thinking that maybe I could make it my goodbye ride. Like one last really good really fun group ride before I retire to a trainer. My therapist says I need to find another hobby to replace biking since she can see how much it meant to me. But what? The first trimester has me so tired that anything physical seems out of reach.

Since I'm so full of cheese and WHINE... Let me just say that getting pregnant turns you into a worry wart. I don't want to ride on the road because suddenly it matters if a car mows me over. I'm constantly worrying. I worry about the baby suddenly being dead inside of me. I worry about my husband coming home safely at the end of the day. And from what I hear this is the beginning. Like, it never eases up. Once the baby is out you worry about them breathing. Then crawling. Then walking. Then falling! You never stop worrying. It's like I've opened up this can of worms that I can't close. I feel instantly older. Yikes!

I don't want to seem ungrateful that I'm pregnant. Because I'm so excited. This is what I have wanted since I was a kid. I'm just trying to work through some of my internal struggles in the meantime.

The next update should be much more exciting and happy, I promise.
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Expecting our first child in February... Team pink!
1st beta 14dpo = 150
2nd beta 18dpo = 782
3rd beta 23 dpo = 5,362
Missing my puppy, but grateful to have shared a bond with her for two years.
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