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July 6th, 2013, 10:13 AM
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alittlelost alittlelost is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Hey sweetie. It was me. I was induced due to pre-e. I ended up getting an epi because they were going to give me a c-section anyway, because I wasn't progressing fast enough, but as soon as they had the epi "in", the baby came out. It's pretty scary because I think, what if I had needed a c-section, because the epi was NOT working and they kept saying that was "normal". Really? Normal to still feel all the pain?

Now, I've had a natural, out-of-hospital childbirth before. It was the best birth I ever had. I was really depressed about this birth. I don't mean that to be snobby, and I hope it's not. And if people think of my birth as natural, I'm okay with that, and if they don't, I'm not hurt or offended. But to me, there was nothing "natural" about what I went through. The delivery was perhaps in some ways natural, but the rest of the experience was just pure hell, and everything that has followed hasn't been so great either

The good news is, the baby didn't have any effects from the epi because 1) it wasn't administered right (I think due to the swelling) and 2) even if it had been, she came out as soon as I layed down after it was (supposedly) in place. But she was affected by the magnesium. I was on and off of it for 5 days (they can only do 48 hours at a time) and then on it for 24 hours following the birth. Anyway, it did cross into her system. I feel so bad for her having to deal with that because I know how horrible it was for me, a full grown woman, and she was just a 3 lb 11oz baby girl.

Now, I'm personally not "anti epidural" as in caring if someone else gets one. And I've dealt with people who are all for epis and often feel like I can't share about my birth experience with my youngest son because I don't want to come across as snobby, and I don't want to tell them why I chose not to have an epi because I don't want my reasons to sound like a judgment against them, because it's not. It's just what I prefer. And most of my reasons have to do with hating hospitals, needles, and IVs lol.

One thing I do regret though was that I didn't trust my body. I knew I was in transition but I let some nurse who doesn't know my body convince me I wasn't because I was only 2cm. But deep down, I knew. I knew the birth was minutes away, and still I asked for the epidural. To me it goes deeper than not getting a natural childbirth. It wasn't just about epi or no epi. I didn't trust my body. I lost trust in my body because I felt like my body had failed me with my pregnancy. I felt angry at my body, and this is because my baby would have probably made it to term if my body hadn't failed me and caused me to need an induction in the first place.

It is, admittedly, hard for me to see people pass up the opportunity to have the birth I wanted BUT I know that is my emotions talking. My logical side is happy they can have the birth THEY want for THEM even if I couldn't have the birth I want for me. So, I'm dealing with a lot of feelings about all of this.

I think it's perfectly acceptable for people to decide what is natural to them and to define their birth on their terms. Birth is a very personal thing, no one should define someone else's birth experience for them. If someone feels their birth is natural because of a failed epi, who is anyone else to argue? If someone feels their birth is natural because it was vaginal, why should a home birthing mama care? It doesn't change her birth. It doesn't "undermine" what she achieved (I know some who think it does, but really, it doesn't; the power of a birthing experience has to do with the mama's experience and perception, not how other people define their births).

One thing I am happy about is that I didn't end up needing a c-section. I know many people have had great c-sections and loved their experiences, but mentally that wasn't something I could handle. Not because c-sections are "less than" but because *I* was too scared of having one, and because my epi didn't work and no one was listening to me, and in retrospect that could have been a horror story waiting to happen.

I hope everyone here will have the births they want. <3 <3 <3

Anyway, sorry to "crash" your due date club, I just wanted to share my thoughts. I hope none of it is offensive or snobby, because I don't mean it that way.
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