Remembering Our Angels
View Single Post
July 18th, 2013, 06:54 PM
Every breath is a gift.
Join Date: Mar 2012
I don't even know where to start. It was a perfect pregnancy with no issues besides pelvic displacement, hemorrhoids and heartburn which shouldn't bother baby at all. Every appointment went great, perfect blood pressure, perfect testing, perfect baby boy.
I never knew that things could go from perfect to horrific so quickly with no warning signs at all. In my mind I always thought that if something bad were to happen that far along that modern medicine could save my son. There are emergency c-sections, medications, machines to keep my baby alive, surgeries. I never in my wildest dreams thought that in a blink of an eye my son could be taken from me and there would be absolutely nothing anyone could do to bring him back. I think what makes this whole experience even worse for me is not knowing why it happened... why he had to go.... why a perfect baby could leave this earth so quickly and quietly.
On 11-03-12 I was having random non painful contractions throughout the night. The kind where your stomach gets as hard as a rock. Being my first pregnancy I had no idea that they could possibly mean I was going into labor. They felt like Braxton hicks. I guess I had a misconception that "real" contractions would be painful. The contractions would occasionally wake me from my sleep and during those times I was woken up I could feel my baby wiggling and kicking like normal. That morning 11-04-12 I noticed Clyde was not awake during his normal times but I figured he was worn out from all the contractions during the night and was finally able to sleep a little, so I just blew it off. After I had dinner around 5pm I started getting worried. It had now been about 7 hours and still no movement from my baby, Clyde. I asked DH to take me to the ER. I thought I was being paranoid but I just wanted to hear his heartbeat on the Doppler to be sure everything was okay, and I was still having steady what I thought were Braxton hicks contractions. We got to the ER 30 minutes later. I walked up to the desk and told the lady I wanted them to check my baby’s heartbeat because I haven’t felt him move in about 7 1/2 hours now. The lady asked how far along I was, 38 and a half weeks, and had me wheeled immediately to labor and delivery. While in L&D a nurse was having trouble finding a heartbeat with her Doppler machine and ended up trying 3 different Doppler machines. After about 20 mins of switching machines and searching for a heartbeat, I found myself surrounded by nurses, about 5 of them, each taking turns trying to find the heartbeat. One of the nurses told me my Dr. was on his way and was going to give me an ultrasound. I remember looking at DH's face, thinking there was still hope, that something was wrong with their machines and the ultrasound would show Clyde’s heart beating. They moved me down the hall to a private L&D room, hooked me up to a monitor that showed my contractions, which were REAL by the way and NOT braxton hicks and what should have been my baby’s heartbeat, but it was just a graph with no heart rate line showing up. My contractions were steady every 2-3 mins going up to 12-14 but were not causing ANY pain, just a rock hard stomach. They also had a blood pressure monitor on me that was set to read every 15 mins and my blood pressure was reading in normal ranges.
My Dr. showed up in about 30 mins and started the U/S. I watched the screen and saw familiar images of my sweet baby, his little legs, his perfect little ribs and spine, his heart -- and it wasn’t moving. My Dr. looked at me and said “Sweetie, I’m so sorry, your baby’s heart is not beating.” I started crying inconsolably and DH leaned down and held me as we cried together. The Dr. gave us a few minutes then explained to me he would induce labor at 4am, it was almost 8pm at that time and my Dr. said waiting until 4am to induce would give me time to sleep for a few hours. A nurse hooked me up to an IV and left us alone. I laid in the L&D bed crying watching my contractions on the monitor screen and the graph that should have showed Clyde’s heart beating while DH called our families. An hour later my in-laws and oldest sister showed up at exactly the same time. We all cried together and held each other and talked about how unfair and painful this is. They stayed with me for hours and at 1am I asked if they could leave so I could try to get some sleep. They moved to the waiting room area, a nurse came in and gave me a sleeping pill, and Caleb and I tried to sleep. I never fell asleep… 4am passed by, then 5am, then a nurse showed up with a shot to induce labor. I do not remember what the meds in the shot were called but I was told it was stronger than Pitocin. They also gave me an Imodium pill because the shot could cause diarrhea, then they checked how much I was dilating (4cm). The nurse offered me the epidural but I turned it down. I told myself during my whole pregnancy that I was not going to get the Epi. I don’t really know how to explain it but I felt like I owed it to Clyde to go through that pain for him… I love Clyde so much and I wanted to prove to him I would do anything for my baby. After about 15 mins I was in the bathroom throwing up, having diarrhea, and feeling painful contractions. I spent probably 45 mins in the bathroom until I felt the vomiting and diarrhea had stopped, then I moved back to the bed and paged the nurse to hook my blood pressure monitor back up. It had now been an hour after getting the inducing shot and I was feeling the most painful contractions known to man! I had tears running down my face as I sat up in the bed moving around crying from the extreme pain. DH tried to comfort me by rubbing my back and neck, but the pain I felt was unlike anything I could ever even begin to describe. I labored for 3 hours total, not being able to sit still the entire time, then the nurse came back with a second shot of the inducing meds. I went into the bathroom immediately because I was worried it would cause me to throw up and have diarrhea again. I sat down on the toilette, peed a little, then wiped with toilette paper. There was blood on the paper. I called out saying “I’m bleeding!!” I heard the nurse say “Don’t worry that is normal.” Then I thought to myself, this must be the bloody show. I wiped myself 4 times total and by the 4th wipe the blood was gone. I went back to bed and sat down because the pain of the contractions were unbearable and as soon as I sat down my water broke. The nurse checked how far I was dilating (8cm) and confirmed my water did indeed break. 3 mins after my water broke my whole body started forcing me to “push” during the horrible contractions. The nurse said “No, don’t push.” – I said “I can’t help it!” – and she told someone to go get my Dr. who was currently helping another patient.
5 minutes later my Dr. came in, put my legs in the stirrups, there was a female nurse on both sides of me, and I started pushing like crazy. The nurses held my legs and shoulders as I pushed and DH stood by the Dr. watching and encouraging me. I had my eyes closed while I was pushing and open when I wasn’t. After a big painful push I opened my eyes and saw the Dr. with what I thought was scissors in his hand going down to my lady area – thinking I was about to receive an episiotomy I yelled out “No, PLEASE!!” Then I called out DH's name in fear. I heard Caleb (DH) say “He is just giving you a shot, it’s okay.” Then I felt the prick of the shot on my lady bits and yes it hurt too. It was supposed to be a numbing medication but I never felt any relief from all the pain. I pushed for 20 minutes total and Clyde was born. A nurse took Clyde over to the area to be cleaned and weighed. I was crying and said “My baby… I want him so bad, I have wanted him my whole life. I dream about him almost every night and I know I will keep dreaming about him but he won’t be here when I wake up.” – I didn’t know it then, but DH told me later that when I said that, I made everyone in the room cry, even my Dr. I had a first degree rip and got 5 or 6 stitches and I could feel every prick of the needle as he stitched me up.
The nurse brought me Clyde. He was swaddled up and I couldn’t believe how beautiful he was. He was more beautiful than I ever imagined. Our family (in-laws, and my sister) who had been in the waiting room the whole time came in and we all cried together again and took turns holding Clyde. A lady from the “Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep” organization came by after I was moved to a different room and took pictures of my angel. My sister in law took some pictures too, then a nurse took Clyde away to a special room in the nursery.
I cry constantly and don’t understand why… WHY would God allow me to carry my child for 38.5 weeks then take him away from me. I have to count my blessings though. I was able to hold my son, to look at his face and kiss him – There are so many women who lose a child and never even get that. They never get to look at their child’s face, to hold them in their arms and kiss their forehead. I at least got to do that and I thank God for it! I was blessed to be able to do that with my son.
Clyde died 11/04/12 and was born 11/05/12 he weighed 6lbs 11 ounces and 19 and a half inches long. No one knows why he died. He wasn't born with the cord around his neck; there were no knots in the cord either. They sent the placenta and cord to a lab to be tested but everything came back normal and I was told I probably never know why and that these things just happen sometimes. It was a "fluke." I never imagined I would have to plan for my baby’s funeral the day after he was born, I just couldn't believe it. The pain my heart feels is something I don’t think will ever heal.
Months of heartache have gone by since that day and I'm expecting a new precious life. I wish I could say my heart has healed but the pain is still there. I can say it has gotten a little easier. I don't lay in bed all day crying anymore. I try my best to live life as normally as I can, but things will never be the same. I often wonder how I can ever be as happy as I would be if Clyde were here, but I know one day I will run to my baby and hold him in my arms. He will tell me how wonderful his life has been while waiting for me to join him and my life will finally be complete.
Not trying to get all preachy, but this helped me look at things in a more positive prospective. Peter 4:12 -13 "Do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." Another translation of that is "Beloved, don't be astonished at the fiery trial which has come upon you, to test you, as though a strange thing happened to you. But because you are partakers of Christ's sufferings, rejoice; that at the revelation of his glory you also may rejoice with exceeding joy." Another good scripture I read and like is Corinthians 4:17-18 "Our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far out-weighs them all. So fix your eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
Basically what I get from all that is good people have their faith tested and also suffer in similar ways that Jesus suffered when he died for us. But by his blood we are saved. It says the "fiery trial which has come upon you" or the devil. The devil is the one who puts us through all these horrible tests to try to steal our "faith" from us. But one day "we will be overjoyed when his glory is revealed" when our souls go to heaven we will see that all our suffering was worth the most wonderful reward - everlasting life. "Fix your eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (live by faith not by sight) focus on the wonderful things that wait for you in the afterlife and not on the hardships we face day to day, because the day to day pain is temporary, but the joy that waits for us in heaven is eternal.
I know for a short little while I thought that *maybe* God had turned his back on me, or was possibly punishing me for the bad things I have done in my life. But after reading these scriptures it brought me closer to God. I realized that the devil WANTS us to lose faith. The devil WANTS us to blame God, but God loves us and when we cry he cries with us. The devil is the one who's goal is to steal, kill and destroy anything and everything he can from us. God wants us to be happy, he gives us the spirit of peace, love and a sound mind.
Anyways, I don't know what else to say... this has already gotten pretty long. But I just wanted to share Clyde's story and my feelings on why (spiritually) it might have happened. I know not everyone will agree with my religious views on it, but it's something that has helped me cope and grieve in healthy ways.
If this group has a private forum I will gladly post pictures of sweet baby Clyde in it, but don't feel comfortable posting in an area where anyone creeping around can look at them. It's just too personal to me.
View Public Profile
Find all posts by Ame C