The Journey of a Lifetime
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July 19th, 2013, 03:14 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2012
Wow it's been awhile since I added to this. I went back and read all my posts and it hurts to know that I am still here, still feeling the same way.
It sucks that none of this can be changed. None of this is my control. That is the biggest thing I have learned since TTC. Nothing is in your control. You can plan and try to prepare for everything but in the end its out of your hands. Part of me wonders if it all has to do with karma, like what terrible juju did I bring on myself that is making me take over a year to have a baby. I feel broke and worthless. Like because I can't have a baby I am not a woman. I know its wrong to feel that way but it is. Some days are easier than others, some days I can find peace but then there are the days where I just want to give up.
I love my SO more than anything. He is my reason to get up in the morning even when I don't want to. But I just feel like idk what anymore. I don't know how to describe it. I guess numb would be a good way. I have numbed myself to all that is going on. I wish it would happen for us already. I just don't feel like its going to. This is my year cycle, CD 9 I think. Everytime I think of it my heart breaks a little more. I just don't know what to do.
Last cycle we took a break, because of work schedules, and I had a 28 day cycle..I never have before. I have no idea when I O'd because I was totally not paying attention. So idk if I O'd early or my LP shortened a lot. It makes this cycle harder. I think I stress more not tracking what is going on than if I do. So this cycle I am still laying low but will keep a better eye on things.
I hope it happens soon. I would hate to hit the 18 month or 24 month cycle. I think that may very well kill me.
TTC my first! - 29th cycle.
**Thanks Lucy! Love my V-Day Blinkie**
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