New to this board, advice appreciated
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July 28th, 2013, 08:38 PM
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Hi all, I think it's about time I made my way to this board as I could use some advice.
A bit of a back story: My OH and I are an international couple. He has a four year old son from his previous marriage. They split up over 2 years ago. Prior to my moving here, I had only met his son on my one trip out here. Things went about as good as I thought they could go.
I then moved here in February. We don't have his son all that often in the grand scheme of things. He's here every Thursday and every other weekend. His son isn't particularly rude or mean to me, he just
talk to me. There are days when the only interaction I have with him is good morning and good night. I try to ask him questions, joke with him, etc...but it's rare he'll actually respond. He'll smile and hide behind pillows or something. Sometimes he won't even say hello when I say hello. He'll cling to his dad's leg and literally two hours later he'll say hello. I just find it so baffling. I know he's shy. But he goes to day care every day so he has plenty of interaction with other people. I also get that while almost 6 months seems like a long time to me, he probably needs more. That would be fine but you guys, there's no improvement. If anything it's worse. I'm finding it hard to summon the strength to keep trying.
Last week, I had to get the remote from him to take a reminder off the TV screen so he could continue to watch his show. He wouldn't give it to me. He went to go hand it to his dad. I about lost it (internally.) Out loud I told him that since I'm the one who asked for it, he needs to give it to me. He reluctantly did after that. He'll ask his dad questions about me when I'm standing right there, instead of asking me himself.
I try to remind myself that he doesn't see his dad much and this probably contributes to it. He's not really here often enough to feel like this is "home" or that I belong here. As far as he's concerned, this is somewhere he comes to see his dad for a bit and I'm interfering.
I really, really, want to improve this situation. Not in small part because OH and I are expecting our first child together. I'm wondering how in the WORLD that's going to work out. I'm also super emotional with all the hormones. I have no friends or family here and when OH's son is around I feel so alone. I'm not invited to play with them or anything because the kid wouldn't want me to. I've brought it up with OH and he explained he feels it's best to not push us on each other. I get that but right now all I see is a lifetime of having a (for all intents and purposes) step-son who won't speak to me. How am I going to raise a child who has a sibling who doesn't acknowledge my existence?
I am not expecting miracles. I don't expect him to automatically love me or bond with me. I understand that may or may not come in time. I just want to be...a friend? Sometimes I see glimpses. I'll help him find his dad when they play hide and seek or once when his dad was outside I helped him with his legos. But it's so, so few and far between.
I do realize it could be 1000x worse. But I know how I'm feeling and when I'm starting to *dread*" the weekends he's here, there's a problem. I want OH to help me out but 1. I feel like he doesn't know how. and 2. I don't want the little time he has with his child to be about me. It should be about him and his boy. I don't know what right I have to really expect anything else. That's why I pretty much suffer in silence. I just let them have their time together and I do my own thing. But it hurts. It's hard to admit that. Any advice would be appreciated.
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