New to this board, advice appreciated
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July 29th, 2013, 08:15 AM
Join Date: May 2008
I have to agree with Ashley. I'm not blaming your DH, because I see where he is coming from, but I do think he is kind of wrong.
Yes, your DSS should be given time to warm up to you. However, 6 months IS a pretty fair amount of time. I'm not saying he should really feel any specific way towards you, but to not talk to you, that is a problem. What happens if he feels/acts the same way to your child/his sibling? Will every weekend he is with you guys be you and your baby and your DSS and your DH? I understand that is pretty dramatic, but I would do feel like since this has been going on for an extended period of time, it obviously is something that won't change on it's own. I do think your DH needs to encourage it. Like Ashley said, he should be lovingly encouraging his son to speak to you directly or interact with you on some level.
I also agree that it could be an issue with his BM. That said, there isn't much you can do to change her, only things to change what happens at your house. I'm sure you have, but try sitting down and talking to your DH one day. Pick a day when DSS isn't around, maybe even when he hasn't been/won't be for awhile. That might help show your DH that it is important to you and something that is on your mind all the time. Tell him how much you care about him and DSS, and that you want to do anything you can to make your family work. You are part of the family, though, and clearly things aren't working right now.
Maybe suggest a fun outing for all three of you. Go to the zoo or a park or a fair or anything fun and kid oriented. Maybe even let DSS pick. Just get him out of his element and really enjoying something and see if that helps him open up. Then, if it's going well enough, have DH go off and buy drinks or lunch of whatever to give you and DSS even just 5 minutes alone to interact. Yes, I agree that it should be slow and easy, but at the same time, DSS is not stepping out of his comfort zone at all on his own. I'm not saying force it on him, but give him opportunities to change and help encourage it, even if it means he has to be out of his comfort zone for a little while. At some point, you may even try taking him to a movie, just the two of you, since it's a low pressure situation where he doesn't have to talk, but the two of you are spending time together. While I realize it is very important for him to have time with DH, since he has him so rarely, remember that YOU are an essential part of his family and his life now too. For your blended family to really work, he really does need to get to know you and accept you.
It may still take awhile. Like you said, there is no overnight solution. I would definitely recommend looking for a family counselor, even if just you and DH go. It doesn't mean there is an issue with your marriage, just that you want to arm yourselves with all the skills and tools available to help make your family work long term.
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