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October 2nd, 2013, 07:56 AM
MelChicago MelChicago is offline
Just keep breathing.
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,987
I'm so, so sorry for what you are going through. Is there any way you can skip the visit this weekend? You mentioned flying, which means you've already likely gotten plane tickets. Still, if you really don't want to, you're allowed to just not go. I mean it. Your healing- both physical and emotional- is more important than this one visit.

As for coping, the only way out is through. But there are some things that made it easier- or at least helped- for me. (I've had 3 losses- one D&C @ 10w, one at home with cytotec @ 6w, and one blighted ovum). The main thing was just BEING sad. Not trying to talk myself out of it, not freaking out about "oh no, I have to do X in an hour and I really can't break down right now", just sitting there and being sad. Being in the moment, sensing what my body was feeling, just letting it be without judgment.

The other part of it was reining in the "stories" I'd tell myself. The mental chatter that didn't really reveal anything new or helpful. Letting go of where I *should* have been in the pregnancy, speculating about how this or that must have gone wrong, how I need to be tested for XYZ (research helps, to a point, but I learned to just make a list of things to ask my Dr and not fabricate conclusions out of my own head.) It takes SO MUCH ENERGY to be constantly thinking about the loss, what you could have done (nothing), what to look for next time, etc. I learned to notice when my thoughts would spiral out of control, acknowledge them, ask myself if this was going to lead to any new news/ideas/possibilities for me (usually not) and then do my best to let it go. With practice, it got easier.

At this point, distractions helped. Particularly books. TV is okay, but I find it so much easier to disappear into a book. I'd also take yoga class. It was another way to be present, get some gentle exercise, get out of the house, and do something that felt good physically when I had really mixed feelings about my body.

Also, after my second loss, I started seeing a therapist. I'd seen a therapist before for unrelated stuff about 10 years ago, and knew that it's a matchless gift to yourself to have someone completely, 100% there for you. My DH could not be the sole recipient of my grief- he's not the best equipped for it, for one thing, and also, I need him to fulfill other roles in my life (lover, date, companion, family member, etc.) Taking the burden of grief right out of our immediate pair helped a lot.

My heart goes out to you. We are here for you!
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